Just say it

I've been trying to figure out a way to talk to S about things. Nothing earth-shattering, just the little things that I find myself tongue-tied over.

I thought of writing him a letter, and I will, but I'm not sure my words will come out right on paper. The problem I have is actually *saying* these things that are rolling around in my head. I don't do well with conflict, and I have an active imagination, so I see potential conflict in everything.

The other night I wanted to be touched, to be shown, clearly and without words, that I was desired completely and fiercely. The closest I could come to expressing that feeling was to tell him I was hoping he would initiate some sexual contact. He didn't, and I admit to feeling very very worried for the next couple of hours. By the morning I felt better, but it still nagged at me.

I spent many sexless months at the end of my marriage. First just "not feeling" like having sex, and then, finally, after one futile attempt at rekindling the attraction, I out and out told my ex that I didn't want to have sex anymore (divorce had been discussed alot by that point), and was celibate for nearly a year.

To me, having less sex sets off alarm bells. Am I not attractive anymore? Is this the beginning of the end? What did I do wrong? I know it likely isn't as dire as I imagine it to be, whatever it is, but still, I wonder.

I've tried to express my feelings but hate to seem needy or paranoid. But guess what? I am needy sometimes, and paranoid others (and unfortunately both at the same time on occasion).

One thing about my relationship with S is that although there are parallels with men in my past, most of what happens, how it happens, is different from what has come before. It is my dogged intention to keep it that way, and I suppose I'm thinking that lots of sex is one of the things that we have to have always. Sex defined our relationship for so long (and I know he didn't like it sometimes, maybe a lot of the time), that I sometimes lose sight of what else we have.

More sex later. We had some really great pre-breakfast fun on Sunday, worth a brief write up!