Sounds Good

S has been "saving himself" for me all week. I'm not sure why, but when we got together on Tuesday night I was in the mood for something different. We lay together in his bed and I wanted just to be close to him, no sex. That's a rarity for me! As we talked and touched lightly, I must have mentioned that I wanted him to wait to come until the weekend. He agreed, expressing reluctance, but I think he was pretty interested in the idea. He's been talking about how much come he'll have for me when we get together, and I joined him in the endeavour. No orgasms for me since Tuesday morning (he since Sunday afternoon)... I'm looking forward to our reconnection tomorrow. Tonight I'm taking a hot bath and reading some erotica (either Naughty Bedtime Stories by Joan Elizabeth Lloyd, or Women's Best Erotica edited by Violet Blue), and most likely agonizing about keeping my hands off Kitty!

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Since being overcome by big D depression (and working my way out of it by and by), I have been in silent negotiation with myself...

Some items up for discussion have been:

• What does Cookie want from life anyhow?
• What does Cookie want from S?
• How does Cookie get what she needs?

I figured out that I want to be happy, and to that end I've put into practice what I've wished I could for a long time: less worrying, more action. Letting go of the idea of control while simultaneously owning my life. From work, to parenting, to money, to love, taking this tack has helped immensely.

What I want from S is commitment, I suppose. This is harder to articulate. I want to know that he will stand by me when I'm struggling, and expect the same of me if he struggles. I want to know that he is mine alone, and I his*. I want open communication about sex and love and the million little things that come into play where those things come together. I want to deepen our friendship, to trust him more completely. *unless we agree to share ourselves with others, which we've talked about.

I get what I need in part by knowing what it is. By letting myself accept that things won't always be good, that ups and downs are, for me, par for the course. It helps to tell the people who can do something about a problem, instead of complaining to everyone else about it. Letting go of fear/taking more ownership of my life is not easy (I'm very used to being swept away by the tide), but it feels so good. Lastly, opening my heart (to my friends, my kids, and S). I can't say exactly how I did that, but I feel a change.

Sexblogging is also important to me, and I'm going to get back into the swing of it...

Here's an old favourite picture: