Cookiebush

Tag, I'm it!

2007-05-05T10:54:00.000-07:00

Sigh.

I just came back here a few days ago and looked at a picture of my luscious boobs and really wished I felt like blogging.

Used to be I'd be sitting, looking at something outside, or thinking about how good my coffee was and a little bit of something erotic would pop into my head - I'd jot it down or send it to myself in an email and then expand on it.

For a while I was really loving writing with a bunch of people who were all in the know about Rope, Polyamory and other ways of life and diversions. But my well ran dry and the more I tried the more I felt like a failure. I'm happy with myself not writing at the moment. S and I are struggling with our definitions (of ourselves, each other, etc.) as well as settling into the long-term-relationship relationship with sex. Instead of shoving all of our responsibilities aside every weekend and spending all of our time in bed, we are learning to balance our lives as a whole.

This morning he came over with an axe and saw and cut down a tree in my back yard. That was great. I like that I ask and he figures out how it will get done.

I am still getting used to the fact that this is my life. After so much time running, I'm getting it - I'm in school now - did I tell you guys that? I am lucky to have at least one instructor each semester that I really like. This time it's my Spanish prof. She's fantastic. Like amazing Sex, speaking Spanish well is something that I am working up to. I can read it and write it okay, but get performance anxiety when I try to speak it with native or fluent speakers. I still feel this way when I'm in a sexual situation with someone I perceive as much more experienced (or much less inhibited).

Sex. Sex. Sex. I'm just not as focused on it right now. I mean, okay, that's not true. I am. But it's an *internal* focus. It's me and my body, and S's, and the other people who float through my head at any given time. It's not something I feel the need to share, and even when I do, I just don't seem to be able to write it out these days.

Anyhow, I came back because I moseyed over to Lola's place and found that she had tagged me! Theme of the meme: Ten things about me. Since this week has been full of odd coincidence (like: I was thinking about my most favourite and most hated coworker on Friday morning and on Friday evening I ran into him after more than a year after I left!), I thought it prudent to oblige her.

1) I am a ball of contradictions - confident yet crushingly shy, proud yet self doubting, innocent and jaded.

2) It gets tiring.

3) Sometimes I wonder what my body would look like if I got surgery: lipo, a tummy tuck, a boob lift.

4)I feel guilty that I think about these things, as I am supposed to be happy in my own skin.

5) I look pretty young. Hopefully a bit younger than my years (I am going to be 37 this year - what?), but I'm getting to that stage where girls in high school go with ma'am when addressing me. I guess I am old enough to be their mamma, but still.

6)Recently I have realized that my pubes are going grey.

7)I'm not vain enough to dye them. I hope.

8)When things are bad I worry that I will never be normal.

9)When things are good I hope I will never be normal.

10)I have finally started believing in my intellectual abilities.

And then he kissed me (apre Chili)

2006-12-14T11:52:00.000-08:00

We cooked together, he chopping the onions and chilies, me working on the sauteing and seasoning.

In between us was my 7 year old, opening cans of tomatoes. It was quiet in the kitchen, just the sound of chopping and sizzling, all of us intent on getting our tasks done.

Sounding far away was the music drifting in from the living room. Christmas songs on the radio.

When we were done cooking and the kid was busy elsewhere, S and I strayed in the kitchen for a minute. He swept his hands over my body: breasts, back, hips, then slipped them under my skirt and panties. The warmth of his hands and firmness of his touch was just right. I wanted to stay there all night with him holding me. I leaned up and put my face near his.

And then, he kissed me.

sunshine

2006-09-10T11:42:00.000-07:00

It's been rainy and/or overcast for a couple of days. I crave the sun!

Just found a ray of sunshine though...

I sport a very well grown out and not at all coiffed bush. Or, I *did* sport that style up until a bit ago. I've been thinking about trimming the wildness for a few weeks. S loves it long and fuzzy, and I like it too. Low maintenance and no-nonsense. But something reminded me of the last time I shaved myself clean - I began craving that indescribable sensation of smooth skin.

Didn't have the time or proper equipment to shave it all off - and besides, I like a little hair. From my perspective (looking down), it's a triangle with the top third shaved off. I love how it looks and feels right now, my usual furriness on my mons, but my labia smooth and silky.

S and I are getting together in a little while, and I can't wait to show him! He's bringing out the flannel sheets for the winter, it will be a great chance to test them out.

This is for you

2006-09-02T17:15:00.000-07:00

I wonder sometimes, at how things have turned out. S and I have been together for more than two years (although we've been apart for three months of that time). For me it's been a wonderous time of learning about myself, mixed with some of the worst times of my life (oh, the tales I haven't told). The changes we've been through together have me reeling.

Reeling, but now knowing that I have found a love that is worth fighting for.

S had been away for a week, and I missed him fiercely. The knowledge that he'd be home soon made me feel happy. It's nice to miss someone who I knew would be missing me and would be home soon.

I walked into his house feeling good, although I'd have to go attend to other things soon.

We kissed and talked. In a few minutes I was naked in his room.

The second I had my clothes off, he grabbed me and pulled me on top of him. We kissed and laughed, and he rubbed his hands all over my body. What I remember is the feeling of fingers running up and down my sides, the sound of his sighs and the wonderful feeling of being together again.

I reached down and felt his cock, hard and ready for me. He moaned and we rubbed our bodies against one another.

When he went down on me, I moaned. The feel of his lips and tongue against me was torture. "Your pussy smells so good" were the only words out of his mouth, and I thrilled to hear them.

When he went farther down and licked my cunt I yelped. I was so loud, I thought for sure someone in the neighbourhood would hear...

Good god, I love that man.

For S, who will be home soon enough.

2006-08-30T16:39:00.000-07:00

The smell of my pussy would drive you crazy, if you were here right now.

I just made myself come over and over, and my lips are hot and slick, and there is a perfume heavy in the air around me.

If you were here, your head would be between my legs and you'd inhale through your nose, deep, and growl "Your pussy smells so good" before diving back down to lick and tease and nibble.

Come home soon.

Hey Internets

2006-06-01T11:12:00.000-07:00

I was just thinking about you.

The quieter you become, the more you can hear

2006-05-14T15:42:00.000-07:00

The sex slump has been survived!
The I-can't-wait-one-more-second vibe has returned!

S and I have had some really hot sex lately, most of it being the really creative [read, can't do penis in vagina so we let our imaginations run wild] kind. He has rediscovered his love of ass and reminded me that I like it when he plays with mine. We have both rekindled our romance with spanking. I got spanked at least twice this morning, in at least two different locales.

Of course I have been thinking of writing but just not doing it.
This morning (second spanking) I was thinking that pictures were in order. I haven't felt like taking pictures for a long time, but after he said "your butt is so red" (first spanking) it was on my mind...

So sex wise things are v v good, and relationship wise things are v v good. Been doing a lot of work on myself, and feeling more willing to take chances and let S know what is *really* going on in my head. And lo and behold, he's still around! Go figure. Realizing more and more that it is very hard for me to trust people. Slowly but surely I open myself to him. It's great to feel it happen and see how it changes us. So far it's been for the better.

My post title alludes to how I've been feeling lately. S and I have talked more seriously in the last month than we have in the past 22. Okay, it's mostly me talking and asking questions, but that's how things go with us. I *need* to hear things said outloud, even if I know the answer. Today we were lying together and I was asking him questions. I asked him if I was pretty, and his eyes BUGGED OUT for a second, as if he just couldn't believe I'd ask him that. Yes, he said, you are pretty. Of course you are! How do I explain how hearing it really makes a difference? It does. In order to hear any good stuff I had to quiet the negative voices in my head.

Mmm, now I'm remembering being on top of him, his cock in me and his hands cupping my breasts and fingers wrapping around my nipples, sending thrills through me. I had my tiny 'twinkle' vibe against my clit and when I came I could feel his eyes on me, drinking me in. A minute or two later he came inside me and I watched his face, loving him so much...

The First Touch

2006-04-19T07:50:00.000-07:00

S was feeling his oats last night. I know he's been enjoying the warmer temperatures, as they correlate directly with the amount of skin women are showing...

I arrived at his place last night and his roomie informed me he had just jumped in the shower, so I hightailed it up to his room, stripped off my clothes, and went to surprise him, only to find that he'd left the vanity drawer closest to the door open, thereby keeping me out.

Ruining the surprise just a bit I had to yell at him to let me in... I think he was still a little surprised. He was tickled at the idea of me stranded, naked, in the hallway. I stood and watched him wash up, his woolly chest covered with bubbles (I just love that)... He washed me and then touched me nearly all over. It's lovely, standing in the stream of warm water, feeling his front pressed up against my back, his cock growing as we grind ourselves against one another. Really lovely.

He shaved (his face), and we stepped out and dried off. He made a motion to put on some clean clothes, but I stopped him. "You'll just be taking them off in a minute", I said, and we ran into his room.

He sat on his bed with his feet on the ground, and I kneeled in between his legs. We nuzzled and kissed, I started kissing down his body. First his chest, then his stomach, down to he spot where his thighs began. I kissed the top of his pubes, and then I took him in my hand and began to lick and caress his balls...

[I'm getting so hot writing this. Funny how that works. Must be why I keep coming back to sexblogging. Had to go a way and jill for a bit (thanks for the inspiration, Seska ).]

I straddled him, his legs still over the edge of the bed. We started grinding, his cock nestled in between my lips, rubbing against my clit. I put one hand down under his balls and slid a finger up to his asshole. I didn't put it in, instead using gentle pressure around it. As I did, I felt his cock get incredibly hard. That (as well as hearing his moans) started my pussy throbbing and I was suddenly very wet. I slid down and teased his cock into me. After fucking a bit he pulled me up so I was sitting on his face. As he licked me, he took my left breast in his right hand and his cock in his left, both of which really turned me on. I came hard and long, and we lay for awhile kissing and touching.

When he put his cock in me again, I was so tight from my orgasm. I love that feeling - the resistance and then the feeling of closing down around him. When he came in me I could feel his cock throbbing inside, and nearly instantly felt hot come dribbling out of me. He must have had a lot of it!

It's been a long, long, long time...

2006-04-05T20:50:00.000-07:00

Too long.
But I've thought about posting.
Thing is, my sex life isn't very writable lately.

Last night, I planned to spend the night with S. Actually, just sleep together, as we both had other plans early in the evening.
I realized, as I was getting ready, that I was feeling decidedly more randy than I had been in the past week or so, and I got even more excited to see him.

Sometimes when he and I are together I feel like an over excited lap dog. I grab and kiss him all over when he's trying to do soemthing else (like cooking or reading). Last night that happened, as usual, but I was patient as I could be, waiting for him to be done and ready to go to bed.

The problem came when we actually got into bed. S lay down with his back to me and said something about being sleepy. I think complete dismay describes how I felt at that moment. I told him that I really wanted to be touched, and he said, in a harassed voice, "what do you want me to do?". I just lay there for a moment, thinking about getting up and going home. I started to cry a bit, I couldn't find words. He asked me what was wrong, and I said "I feel kind of rejected. I really want you to touch me." He asked me (this time with a tender voice), "what do you want me to do?", and I said that I wanted him to show me that he desired me, that we didn't have to have sex, but I wanted to be touched and touch him. It was really hard to do this, both to request his touch and then share my feelings at his response.

He held me, hugging me tight. We kissed a bit, I snuck my hand down under the covers and touched him through his boxers. "Is it okay if I do this?" I asked. He said yes, and I continued to touch and stroke his growing cock, as he rubbed my arm gently, and brushed his hands against my breasts. My period is coming and my breasts are really full and so sensitive. I told him I wanted him to play with them and I took off my shirt. I turned and half-lay on top of him, and we touched and kissed. He pulled me on top of him and began to suck on my nipples, going back and forth between them, nibbling and sucking. He was also running his hands ups and down my back. My skin felt so amazing, a bit electrified, really. It felt so good...

[skip to the end...]

I felt so much better after having him touch me. I felt better that I made my needs clear. I felt good being with him.
It's a hard thing to do, for me anyhow. I'm always afraid that saying what I want is a recipe for disaster. My relationship with S has become so solid, but I'm still worried about how to handle conflict, especialy around sex. I'm not all that good with it, and my experiences with my exhusband still have me spooked.

.....

(thanks for the note, Rob!)

Out to Lunch

2006-02-18T00:55:00.000-08:00

I'll be back, but I need to be officially gone for a while, in order to assuage the guilt and disappointment I feel not sexblogging.

Archives available, and of course, check out my blogroll to the right.

xoxo
Cookie

Warmth

2006-02-12T15:16:00.000-08:00

I've been writing about the change in my sex life, and it hasn't swung back to wild animal passion (yet). It's 'a lull', but really it's a milestone. Difficult to explain, but I feel as close to S as ever. Our relationship was defined by sex, and now it's not. But I'm really looking forward to spring, when we come out of hibernation!

On a different note, this is the first Valentine's Day in memory that I am completely relaxed about the event. I've gotten small gifts and chocolate for those closest to me, and I feel just fine about the day. It's not a big deal, but a time to share affection with my friends, family, and S.

An understanding

2006-01-30T04:40:00.000-08:00

I think the best thing about being in a long term relationship is the understanding developed. The short-hand. When S and I are tuned into each other it is both comfortable and intense.

I'm shivering a bit, thinking of the pleasure S brought me over the weekend. I love when this washes over me, both memory and anticipation rolled into one.

Suddenly

2006-01-27T14:58:00.000-08:00

I just was suddenly overwhelmed with the desire to be with S.

It's Friday, the end of an interminably long work week. I've got to rush home and feed the kids right away, I'm feeling crabby and tired, and all I can think of is:

a long, slow, searching kiss
my hands all over him
his kissing raining down my neck and across my collarbone
his cock in my mouth - the briny taste of his precum
his whiskers scratching the inside of my thighs
the delirious moment of joy as he makes me come
the beatific look on his face as he comes

You get the picture, I hope. I feel tingly and warm and ready. A wonderful distraction at the end of the day.
Now if only I could make this fantasy come true tonight. Oh well. Anticipation is a good thing too.

Happy Friday!
xoxo
CB

Just say it

2006-01-24T15:06:00.000-08:00

I've been trying to figure out a way to talk to S about things. Nothing earth-shattering, just the little things that I find myself tongue-tied over.

I thought of writing him a letter, and I will, but I'm not sure my words will come out right on paper. The problem I have is actually *saying* these things that are rolling around in my head. I don't do well with conflict, and I have an active imagination, so I see potential conflict in everything.

The other night I wanted to be touched, to be shown, clearly and without words, that I was desired completely and fiercely. The closest I could come to expressing that feeling was to tell him I was hoping he would initiate some sexual contact. He didn't, and I admit to feeling very very worried for the next couple of hours. By the morning I felt better, but it still nagged at me.

I spent many sexless months at the end of my marriage. First just "not feeling" like having sex, and then, finally, after one futile attempt at rekindling the attraction, I out and out told my ex that I didn't want to have sex anymore (divorce had been discussed alot by that point), and was celibate for nearly a year.

To me, having less sex sets off alarm bells. Am I not attractive anymore? Is this the beginning of the end? What did I do wrong? I know it likely isn't as dire as I imagine it to be, whatever it is, but still, I wonder.

I've tried to express my feelings but hate to seem needy or paranoid. But guess what? I am needy sometimes, and paranoid others (and unfortunately both at the same time on occasion).

One thing about my relationship with S is that although there are parallels with men in my past, most of what happens, how it happens, is different from what has come before. It is my dogged intention to keep it that way, and I suppose I'm thinking that lots of sex is one of the things that we have to have always. Sex defined our relationship for so long (and I know he didn't like it sometimes, maybe a lot of the time), that I sometimes lose sight of what else we have.

More sex later. We had some really great pre-breakfast fun on Sunday, worth a brief write up!

The notion

2006-01-16T13:15:00.000-08:00

It's not that I don't *want* to write, or don't have things to write about, or can't find the time. It's just that I haven't found both the time and the ambition and the energy to write all at the same time. I've been busy, just with life. Being an active participant in life is time consuming.

So I have the story of what happens after a week of abstaining, the story of the semi-bondage sex of the weekend, and the remembrance of Martin Luther King, Jr. Day 2004 to write about.

But alas, not today.

Quickly, though: I desperately want to be able to convey how much I love to touch S. Whether an absent-minded hand in his hair or a well-directed back scratch, a delicately brutal nipple twist or running my fingers across the pronounced arch of his foot, I love the feeling of his warm skin and bristly-soft hair under my fingers. Yesterday we had a lot of full body contact, just being as close as we could. It was very nice. Intimate, but subtly so. Satisfying, as well. I was with him late into the night, but felt the pull of my own bed strongly enough to send me home in the wee hours to wrap up in heavy blankets. Sometimes I lie there lonely and wishing for his touch, but last night I was sated and happy to remember the evening.

Oh My

2006-01-06T21:49:00.000-08:00

I really should have abstained from reading erotica this evening. My pussy is aching (also throbbing, hot, and pulsating).

It's a pleasant torture, but I wish I could call S over right now.

::moans softly::

Sounds Good

2006-01-06T17:18:00.000-08:00

S has been "saving himself" for me all week. I'm not sure why, but when we got together on Tuesday night I was in the mood for something different. We lay together in his bed and I wanted just to be close to him, no sex. That's a rarity for me! As we talked and touched lightly, I must have mentioned that I wanted him to wait to come until the weekend. He agreed, expressing reluctance, but I think he was pretty interested in the idea. He's been talking about how much come he'll have for me when we get together, and I joined him in the endeavour. No orgasms for me since Tuesday morning (he since Sunday afternoon)... I'm looking forward to our reconnection tomorrow. Tonight I'm taking a hot bath and reading some erotica (either Naughty Bedtime Stories by Joan Elizabeth Lloyd, or Women's Best Erotica edited by Violet Blue), and most likely agonizing about keeping my hands off Kitty!

Since being overcome by big D depression (and working my way out of it by and by), I have been in silent negotiation with myself...

Some items up for discussion have been:

What does Cookie want from life anyhow?
What does Cookie want from S?
How does Cookie get what she needs?

I figured out that I want to be happy, and to that end I've put into practice what I've wished I could for a long time: less worrying, more action. Letting go of the idea of control while simultaneously owning my life. From work, to parenting, to money, to love, taking this tack has helped immensely.

What I want from S is commitment, I suppose. This is harder to articulate. I want to know that he will stand by me when I'm struggling, and expect the same of me if he struggles. I want to know that he is mine alone, and I his*. I want open communication about sex and love and the million little things that come into play where those things come together. I want to deepen our friendship, to trust him more completely. *unless we agree to share ourselves with others, which we've talked about.

I get what I need in part by knowing what it is. By letting myself accept that things won't always be good, that ups and downs are, for me, par for the course. It helps to tell the people who can do something about a problem, instead of complaining to everyone else about it. Letting go of fear/taking more ownership of my life is not easy (I'm very used to being swept away by the tide), but it feels so good. Lastly, opening my heart (to my friends, my kids, and S). I can't say exactly how I did that, but I feel a change.

Sexblogging is also important to me, and I'm going to get back into the swing of it...

Here's an old favourite picture:

Busy Fingers

2006-01-03T09:22:00.000-08:00

"I want you to watch me masturbate," he said, and we lay down in the bed, side by side.

Usually, I just watch him, my eyes moving back and forth from his hands moving on his slick cock to his face, rapt with concentration. I love to see the changes in his skin and hear his breathing speed up... As I watched I knew I had to touch myself too, so I stuck my hand into the front of my jeans. S was looking at me, at my hand, and I knew he'd want to see what I was doing, so I unzipped and put my hands in his full view, still moving my fingers up and down...

Ready

2006-01-01T16:45:00.000-08:00

You know when your lover says something to you that is just perfect?

This morning S and I were making love and he said, "you always look beautiful, but you look especially beautiful when my cock is in you". Okay, typing that out, I'm laughing, but it was such a perfect statement at that moment (anything that starts out "you always look beautiful" is a winning phrase) .

I can still feel his breath against my skin as he spoke those words, and I can see his eyes...

I wanted to tell him so many times "I love you", but I held back for some reason. I think in part because I wanted that to come out in other ways, to show him without using the words.

I am finally comfortable with him, after all of this time. Unafraid, secure in 'us'.

Auspicious Beginnings

2006-01-01T09:26:00.000-08:00

If this morning's delectations are any indication, this is going to be a very good year...

New Year

2005-12-31T01:23:00.000-08:00

A year ago I spent New Year's Eve wishing I were with S.

This year we'll be together.

I'm really looking forward to this weekend.

I'm really looking forward to this next year.

More sex, more sex blogging! Hope you are all healthy and happy...

xoxoxox
Cookiebush

A Christmas Eve treat

2005-12-26T08:15:00.000-08:00

I have a love/hate relationship with the 'big holidays'.

I'm glad they are almost over!

S came back from 'up nort', and we spent a bit of time together, but not as much as I'd hoped. We were both so busy, nearly a week went by before we got together again. It's been ages since we spent 18 or 24 hours in the other's company, falling in and out of bed (or dispensing with bed altogether and using whatever surface was nearest), eating and reading and talking...

A day like that is in order, as soon as possible. But not for several days, as far as I can tell. Work beckons, home and family, and then S is having a New Years party, so while we will be together, we will definitely not be alone.

On Christmas Eve, he had to travel to visit family, but I asked him to come by and bid me farewell in person. As luck would have it, my kids were gone, so we were all alone. I brought him upstairs and put on the CD he gave me for Christmas (a velvet voiced female jazz vocalist), and we talked a bit and played with the cat (an actually cat, not a euphemism). Eventually I was compelled to take off most of my clothes. My pubic hair has grown in quite a bit (need to take a snap, don't I?) and S nuzzled his nose in it. I put the cat out and he took off his coat, his pants, his shirt, etc., until he was nude.

[An aside: For some reason there are times when I'm not sure if I'm going to *get* the sex I so desperately desire. It's funny that after a year and a half he can keep me guessing. But until he started running his tongue across my mons, I really wasn't sure what would happen next! I think I like it that way]

He leaned down on top of me from the end of the bed, pushed my legs apart and knelt between them. The first little touches of his lips and tongue on my lips were electric - I was so sensitive to every touch, it was almost *too much* to have him touch me, but I just let those feelings of intensity wash over me. He licked, nibbled and sucked at my clit and my labia, drew his tongue down and pushed into my pussy. He moaned and whimpered and I told him I love how he sounds while he eats me.

I was still wearing my bra and t-shirt, but I pulled my breasts out of my bra. He took a hold of them and unbelievable strong sensations shot through me. It was as if all of my normally sensitive zones were on fire! The feeling shot through my breasts, zoomed down my belly and circled my clit. I came so hard I just felt as though I were not in the room anymore. S usually slides up the bed and holds me after I come, and this was just what he did, wrapping his arms around me and holding me to him.

As I caught my breath, I reached a hand down to his cock. I love the feel of it in my hand, it's weight and breadth, the softness of his skin. I moved my hand upward to feel his pubic hair and then down to circle the heaviness of his balls. We kissed and I could taste my pussy on his mustache and beard. I love how we smell together.

In what has become our shorthand, I pushed him over a bit so I'd have room to straddle him and he automatically shifted over a few inches to receive me.. My leg thrown over him, I settled my hips down so his cock could slip inside. Still tight from my orgasm, I wasn't sure I could slide him in, but of course I did, we both sighed/moaned...

Sometimes it feels so good I cry. This was one of these times. I think in part because I've been under a great deal of strain, the intimacy and release (we could be as loud as we liked in the empty house), the urgency, all of it was just very intense.

After he came, he just about shot out of bed and started getting dressed. I stopped him, put my arms around him. "But I'll be late!", he worried. "Give me two minutes." I said. In the end a minute was enough, I sent him on his way, both of us sated, relaxed.

I wish we had more time for sex, more time for kink, more time to just be together.

He's brought me two books of erotica, and I have yet to settle down and read him any stories, but that is one thing I'd like to do. I got a certificate for a spanking, and I'm looking forward to that very much. As I woke this morning I thought about how it's been a very long time since he dommed me, and that I was in the mood to be submissive.

I'll have to let him know, won't I?

Hope all is well with you.
[ D, thank you for the card, it was lovely!]

teary

2005-12-12T20:13:00.000-08:00

I am a creature who finds herself swayed by hormones - it's not always a negative thing. The upsurge in estrogen makes my oldfactory senses so keen some months I just want to fill my days with wonderful aromas and tantalizing flavours. I sometimes get so incredibly randy around ovulation - I just want more and more and more sexual release... The downsides of the hormone flux are spotty complexion and weepy disposition.

Tonight I find myself settling into a gently weepy mood. S is far away in the artic reaches of the state. "I'll talk to you tomorrow" was the last thing he said as we said our goodbyes at my front door yesterday afternoon. But I haven't heard a word from him, neither by email or phone. I'm sure he's fine, but I wish I knew that as an absolute. I'm allowed to worry a bit, right?

Plus, I wanted to read a bit of smut to him, and jill off to the sound of his (probably tired and crabby) voice in my ear.

So the tears are sort of tired-frustrated-want-what-I-can't-have...

On the bright side, A just found me on IM, so before bed I'll have a nice chat!

Shorn

2005-12-03T16:13:00.000-08:00

A long luxurious bath (lavender bath salts, candlelight!) left me smooth and clean shaven.
Cookie's bush is no more! Of course, I'll grow it back, but it was fun to go all the way!
(flickr friends: I'll have the rest of the shots up this week!)

The smell of it

2005-11-28T18:37:00.000-08:00

As I sit and type I can smell the sex on me. S's come is oozing out of me, making my panties ever more damp. I can smell my own scent on my face, a happy accident caused by kissing him while his beard was wet with my juices.

We had the dumb luck of 20 minutes together. We'd had a pretty heavy talk over email today, and I stopped by his house to see him, drawn to make our intellectual connection physical. I had to make a call to see when my kids would be home. "Make the call." He said. "We'll see if we have enough time for me to give you an orgasm before you go." I made the call: I had a half hour before I had to be home.

We went upstairs and I freshened up a bit. I found him laying on his bed, and I made a joke, to which he replied, "Bring your cunt over here." So I did.

He licked and kissed me so tenderly. Expertly. I asked him if he were always so good at eating pussy or if it was the result of practice. It was, he assured me, an "ancient Chinese secret", and would say no more. I told him about my favourite fantasy of us, with another woman, her going down on me while he fucked her from behind. I reminded him of the threesome we'd participated in earlier in the year, saying how much I'd like to do it again... my words drove him on, and gave me plenty to think about as he circled my clit with his tongue...

I came, fast and hard, and he slithered up the bed and pushed himself against me. We wiggled and writhed together for a few seconds and he moaned as he pressed his hips against me. "Do you want to fuck me?" I asked in a teasing voice. I knew my cell phone alarm was about to sound, but I wanted his cock in me as much as I knew he wanted it. We are going to be apart until Friday night at the soonest, so this was our last chance for a while.

He sort of begged me, murmuring about how he just wanted to be in me, as I straddled him.
Mmmm, he felt so good, and I loved the sound of his voice, the hungry helpless sounds that escaped his lips. He sounded needier for me than he had in a long while. My alarm went off but he didn't stop. We hit a great rhythm, slow but steady. "You're going to make me come" he moaned, and then came in me. We held each other for a moment, and then, with him still inside me, I began to dress. First my bra, then my shirt, then my sweater. I sat on him for another moment and then eased myself off of him to look for the rest of my clothes. I felt giddy, sated, in love, happy. Content in a way that had escaped me for so long.

As for the depression, it is Major, and it has sucked the fun out of every activity. Even, I hate to say it, sex. I've felt not as sexy not as adventurous not as special not as desirable. But there has been some relief, today. Reaching out for help is not my strong suit. It takes a lot for me to do, but I'm slowly doing it. I'm not taking any anti-depressants - I tried one but had a terrible reaction, and I've had sexual side effects in the past. For me, orgasms are one of life's rare pleasures these days, and I am loathe to cause them to become more difficult to obtain.

Let us hope that this post is the beginning of the climb out of the dark place Cookie has been hiding. There are adventures to be had...

It's Gone!

2005-11-25T17:21:00.000-08:00

Okay, I got rid of the stats counter that was causing the pop ups. Now, if only I had something to write about!

My next post is the effect of a major depressive episode on Cookie's sex life...

I'll look through my picture archives too, maybe there is a hidden gem I can share with you...

xoxoxo
Cookie

Uninvited guest

2005-11-07T20:21:00.000-08:00

Help!

There is some sort of pop-up ad coming up when you get here. I don't know how it happened, I haven't changed or added anything to this page in a long time.

Please let me know if you have experienced this on your own site and how to fix it. I'm really peeved. I have nothing to do with them...

Growing

2005-11-05T07:01:00.000-08:00

I'm growing it out.

And psychologically, I'm having some growing pains as well.

I've got a story rolling round in my head, tales of S and I, recent interactions, but I can't quite get them out of my head and into my blog...

As has been the case for some time.

Ah well. I shall persevere. More later.

2005-10-30T09:08:00.000-08:00

Okay, this blog slump is getting ridiculous. It would be worse if I wasn't seeing it in every corner of the web - friends from far flung corners of the world are saying "I'm uninspired" "I'm too busy" "I'm awfully tired". So it's not just me.

Sex is fine and fun - it's strange how focused I can be on it one month and how it fades into the background the next.

I had a thought, the last time S and I were making love (I've decided I can use that term these days - although it will still make me giggle), I thought about how much I love the tastes and smells of him, the feel of his furry chest and arms, the sounds of his sighs. And I know, I have waxed eloquent on these things before, but each time these thoughts strike me I'm surprised and happy all over again.

I've been wishing lately, wishing that my life were much simpler - and wishing doesn't seem to have changed anything, so I suppose it's time to do something about it, right?

Hope all is well with you, reader. Simple, sexy, happy.

Cookie

"you're so good"

2005-10-21T16:51:00.000-07:00

What are your favourite words to hear from a lover?

Last night when S' cock slipped into me for the first time, I was almost speechless. But after a minute I managed to get out "you feel so good inside me".

I've never talked during sex, not like I do with S. I love how he responds to my words, as though they were a touch of my hand, the scratch of my nails, or a flick of my tongue. He will moan or gasp, tense up or thrust deeper. Our recent sex conversations are brief exchanges of compliments or descriptions of our pleasure. He delights in my (ever hairy - I've stopped shaving completely for him) pubes and armpits, and loves to tell me so. I'm a broken record, telling him how good he feels.

Last night was the first time in a long time that I wasn't hesitant in sex - I've recently gotten an IUD and it took some time getting used to the idea of it, never mind the after effects of having it inserted (nothing traumatic, but not too fun). But the freedom of it, not having to worry about pregnancy... Wonderful.

We were listening to a favourite band of his (quickly becoming one of my favourites), a band we saw together last week. During the show we touched constantly. He had his hand in my back pocket or tucked into the waistband of my jeans for most of the show, and sometimes clapped after a song my smacking his freehand against my bottom. Usually a bit disgusted by these kinds of physical displays in others, I just reveled in it... It was wonderful to be wrapped up in this music that night and again last night, playing out what we had been hinting at when we saw them live.

This morning we spooned together and he moaned softly in my ear - I loved having him rubbing his hard morning wood against my wet pussy, and his hands slipping over my pubes. They kept flitting this way and that until I grabbed one and put it on my mons, cupping his fingers just where I wanted them on my pussy and applying the exact level of pressure...

He felt even better inside me this morning, and my entire body wanted him closer and deeper. It is so nice to fall asleep and wake up to someone you love. And he gives me feelings, both physical and emotional, that I've never had before. Lately his fingers and tongue and cock have made me shiver with pleasure.

As I write my body remembers and feels warm and relaxed and...loved, if that is something our bodies can recall... I like the "let's fuck" sex, the animal fucking, the friendly screw, but nothing compares to being completed taken up with another person, mind body and spirit.

It's a feeling that at once makes me want to abandon all else for it while it makes the rest of life bearable. That I can have that pleasure and contentment makes the trials and heartaches less a burden.

I miss it!

2005-10-11T18:13:00.000-07:00

I miss the feeling of being *inspired* to write about S and I, or about my fantasies, or whatever. I still have the urge to write, but when it comes down to it, no follow through.

Getting people added to Flickr is taking way longer than I expected!

This weekend was a perfect storm of sex and fun and being cooked for and I want to be able to share it! My head says "eh, maybe later", so I'll go.

Without words

2005-10-09T18:12:00.000-07:00

S asked me if I was going to blog about our weekend, and I said I was - but now that I sit down I find myself without words. I want him to write it for me.

Boobie-Thon!

2005-10-07T19:16:00.000-07:00

I've never actually gone to the Boobie-Thon page, but I was prompted by something S wrote on his blog, went to the page, and submit a picture. I realized that I don't have as many pictures of my breasts as I thought I did!

They are only accepting pictures through tomorrow 11:59pm EDT, so quick, get going!

Boobiethon.com

MEN are also encouraged to submit.

Get to it!

--oh, and DONATE too!

Hmmm.

2005-10-06T19:55:00.000-07:00

I've been wanting to post - about all manner of things, about the dry spell that really isn't a dry spell, just a not much sex spell, about taking iron and the annoyance of bleeding for days and days...

And I've been wondering how to get started - I want to write sexy, which means digging deep, as my mind and body aren't all that sexy at the moment.

I have a cold, for one thing.

Last night S came over and took good care of me, helping me with domestic chores, fetching chicken soup and ice cream, and later...

I've been trying to think of how to describe what we did. It's not that unusual or complicated, but I think the Ny-Quil made it just dreamlike enough...

Alright. I give over to my cold. It's back to bed for me.

Let's put it this way: I can't wait to feel better.

The other intimacy

2005-10-03T18:20:00.000-07:00

Obviously there are other ways to be intimate besides the ones involving naughty bits.

The other morning S and I were talking, lying together on the couch.

He lay his head on my chest, and one arm was wrapped around his body and the other rubbing his arm and shoulder. All at once he grabbed my hand and put it on the back of his head. I played with his hair and held it close against me.

It was a very intimate moment, with no sex at all.

It seems to be where we are at the moment. Being close, being quiet, being intimate without necessarily being sexual.

Made me smile

2005-10-02T20:12:00.000-07:00

To me, this is true love.

Hours later he says "that lube tastes awful"...

Hours before he went down on me after we screwed, with nary a complaint (I was thinking "maybe that lube doesn't taste as bad as I remember.").

S and I agree, we hate condoms! They are good for preventing things, but we like sex without.

Not for while, though.

But for now...condoms.

Still not quite...

2005-10-01T06:34:00.000-07:00

Still not quite back to normal.

The Doctor said no sex (intercourse) for at least a week, but we mananaged to play a bit...

The last time we were together he was teasing me, licking my clit with precision and perfect rhythm and then pulling away to kiss my thighs and all around my outer lips and mons. It was torture, and I couldn't stand it (while loving it, of course). Since I seem to be having an easier time orgasming (and it's strange, because why was it problematic before? I mean, it wasn't PROBLEMATIC, because I've experienced lots of troubles in the past, especially when taking anti-depressants), his teasing was especially lovely (I didn't feel the internal pressure I sometimes do). And when I came it was so wonderful.

Because of what's happened (which, no, you haven't missed an explanation of, I haven't offered one, and I don't know if I will), we've been tested a bit. I think we've come out pretty well, actually. Very well.

Our time-out time is up now, so we can resume our more usual course of action. But things have changed a bit (and continue to). I expect a bit more kink when things settle down. He brought over a documentary called "Beyond Vanilla", which reminded me what I loved about Power Play and what I craved in discipline.

On an (almost) completely unrelated note, go see Serenity. The entire starring cast is so fuckable, I can't wait to see it again!

2005-09-26T10:50:00.000-07:00

The taste of him

Not sure if it was the taste of him, or the texture of his skin.
Was it the feel of his body hair? Rough and soft at the same time?
Or maybe the smell of him, salty and sweaty, warm and comfortable.

Whatever it was, I couldn't get enough of him, and wanted his cock in my mouth. I love putting it in my mouth when it's soft, slowly sucking it up between my lips, making it hard, making it fill my mouth until it's too much and I begin to gag on the breadth of it.

We sat on his couch, *the* couch where so much has been done, and the 'danger' of being caught made it that much more fun. Roomates went for a walk and I'd hoped to make him come before they returned. He was close and for a second I thought he was trying to tell me he was going to come, but then realized he said they had come back... I can't imagine they didn't guess what the two of us were up to, but it didn't matter. We laughed and immediately retired to his room.

Once there he stripped naked and lay across the bed. I kneeled between his legs and started in on him again, but after a few minutes felt a change of position would prove more satisfying for the both of us. I had him swing his legs over the side of the bed and kneeled before him.

An aside: I don't know why, but sometimes that position before him is so intensely pleasing for me. Is it because it mimics (or is) the posture of worship and prayer? I wonder. But I did love being there, and slowly licked his balls, the underside of his cock, the tip of the head...

I'm inexpert at oral expression, and though I have enthusiasm, I don't think it quite makes up for my lack of technique. I plan to pick up Violet Blue's book for more tips... I can't link direct at the moment, but she appears in my blog roll list to the right...

My blogging time is up, so the story remains a bit unfinished...

Where is Cookie?

2005-09-24T05:27:00.000-07:00

Oh, Cookie, where are you (or, er, where am I)?

Cookie has been: having a lot of good sex with her boyfriend... among other not-so-fun things... I haven't given up, but I've definitely taken a bit of an unscheduled break... and fallen into a pit of ellipse apparently... I'll be back when I make my way out... ;)

For now, click here for a random post via sexblo.gs. I had fun with this this morning(it's the "shuffle" link from their post pages) and found some great stuff.

As always, my friends and favourites listed at the right are also great reads. Hot, hot, hot.

Come again

2005-09-18T17:25:00.000-07:00

It'd been a while since S had made me come twice - I'd been having trouble in the orgasm department - that has since changed, which is pretty swell...

I love the way he makes me feel, with his hands, with his mouth, with his cock.

So both last night (late) and this morning (early)? I had a lovely time.

After he went down to drink coffee I fell back asleep. He came up after a bit and kissed me, lay down next to me and we talked (I think, I was very sleepy). He went downstairs again and I fell asleep, hard. I must have woke when he came back again to see what I was up to. After he went downstairs once more, I took some pictures. It had been a while since I'd been in the mood to snap some shots.

It made me smile. I'll have to remember to keep my camera close by more often. Speaking of pictures, I'm very slowly getting people added to my flickr list...

Don't know when I'll post again, have a lovely week!
CB

2005-09-15T12:17:00.000-07:00

Mingled

All day I've been delighting in the moisture between my legs, the mingling of us that leaks out bit by bit. A reminder.

Things have been strange and...strange in Cookie's world. I may or may not be sharing more than that, but I wanted to make an appearance and let everyone know I'm still around...

xoxo
CB

August 11

2005-09-11T17:50:00.000-07:00

I can't believe, really, that it's been just a month since S and I were back together.

What feels entirely new and old as anything is deepening each day.

It's the kind of thing that keeps surprising me, which at times is great and at other times makes me sad (My expectations are so low, they are easily exceeded; at the same time I find myself realizing how high they are in areas, and there, too they are exceeded. Good things).

Sex this morning with my mother downstairs (that was accidental, she dropped by unannounced), and now he's met everyone (save the friend living in Canada). My youngest wants to introduce him to my exhusband... Um, yeah. Maybe another time? I'm not very good with potential conflict, so I'm pretending there won't be any...

More sex in the future, I'm sure. I'll write more about recent history when some things fall into place.

Reminding myself

2005-09-10T07:55:00.000-07:00

Last night I was restless and crabby - not feeling sexy or smart, revved up in a way that is less about feeling energetic and more about a loose, manic vibe... I woke up feeling a lot better, but didn't feel really improved until I stepped out of my shower.

I looked myself up and down in the mirror, appraised myself, enjoyed what I saw.

Since S and I have gotten back together I've started eating again. I'd been not eating during our time apart, punishing myself perhaps, or making myself *feel* something beside the pain that was consuming me. I liked how I felt, liked too, how I looked, but now that I'm happy, I also like eating again.

So I have gained a bit of weight back. My breasts are fuller, which I really love, but my curves are also curvier, which can be a bit much for me at times.

Not this morning. This morning I looked at myself from all angles and loved what I saw. Ran my hands up and down my belly, around each ample ass cheek...

I love reminding myself what I *like* about being me.

Tell Me I'm Yours

2005-09-09T09:26:00.000-07:00

"Tell me."

I breathed in his ear, barely able to get the words out between his long, hard strokes into me.

"Tell me I'm yours."

He fucked me harder for a moment, then began his list: your curves are mine, your pussy...

And then he began to demand that I say the same things, repeating after him. His voice lowers and becomes gruff and threatening when he gets into the dom mode. "Say it!", he growled. He sometimes castigates me for "making him hard" or "making him jealous". Last night he just said "that's right" when I told him my pussy was his.

It's funny, I never liked this kind of thing, never understood why anyone would say these words to a lover, forget *demanding* to hear it. But now, with him, I understand. It's part of our shorthand, that we sense what the other might want or need and coax it out. I need to know that I am his, and I need him to know I am his, completely and without reservation.

We recently began playing with power in a way that has freed me up immensely - I feel like a stronger person because I can be weak with him. We toyed with a bit of age play many months ago, and it clued me in to something about myself. When I was just on the cusp of puberty, I began to receive unwanted attentions from adult men. I suppose I was fortunate in that my early warning systems were highly functional and my sense of self-preservation such that I managed to get myself out of those situations without any harm (but I'm curious as to what else they might have tried with other girls - none of it was blatant, so perhaps nothing, but I'm not naive, there was most likely more. In fact, now that I think of it, I found out last year that one of the men had molested someone years before I was born). But having to be so vigilant at that age leaves a shadow - and age play opened up this idea that now, 25 years later, I was safe enough to let myself be vulnerable.

Being strong, being in charge, being tough, being an impenetrable fortess - all of these things take up a lot of energy. It is good to be able to let go and let someone else be in charge. Someone I trust, someone I know will care for me, someone who is not afraid of my tears.

As I mentioned in my earlier post from today, I was fucked properly this morning as well. We started out spooned together, and I rocked my hips back and forth so his cock, half hard, became fully so. I spread my legs just enough to ease him to the edge of my lips, and rocked my hips again, slowly easing him into me. After a minute of this he pulled back, rolled me onto my back and pushed my knees up. He slipped into me and we fucked this way for sometime, now with my legs against my chest, now with them straight, him holding onto my ankles and spreading them apart so he could better see where our bodies joined.

At some point he pulled out and lay down and held me close. After a moment (to catch his breath?) he lifted up my left leg and swung himself between my thighs. He began to lick me, small and short movements concentrated on my clit. He reached up and grabbed my nipples, rolling them between thumb and forefinger. This combination is intensely pleasing for me, and I came wonderfully, the waves of pleasure rolling up one after another until they were all I could feel for a minute. After I came he stayed between my legs. He'd been stroking his cock while he'd been licking me, and he redoubled the efforts, kissing, smelling and gazing at my pussy while he did. I bathed in my afterglow and watched him, murmuring encouragement and sighing in tandem with him when he came.

I had to jump up and head home to get ready for work, so we both got up, although I lay in bed for another minute, just enjoying the relaxation. Still wonderfully mellow and relaxed, despite the stress of the day...

To answer a couple of questions I've gotten recently: 1) I don't share my IM contact info with people I don't already know well, and 2) my Flickr name is Cookiebush.

I haven't updated contacts in a while, will do so when I get an opportunity, might not be for several days. Oh, and if YOU have a blog, please let me know in a comment. I like to check out new blogs! I don't link to everyone I read however, and I don't link to everyone who asks for a link, for a variety of reasons...

2005-09-09T07:34:00.000-07:00

(Another try at email posting...)

I was fucked properly this morning.

It was very nice.

Brain too muddled and work too busy to really do it justice, but I'll come back to it as soon as I get a moment.

nude, then in the mood

2005-09-06T16:03:00.000-07:00

Darn the erotic nature of nudity.

I was feeling a bit punk today when I arrived home from work, so I hopped into the shower.

I put a big dollop of bath gel on the bright pink poufe I use. Lathered it up well, and then scrubbed and scrubbed the malaise of the work day away. Around the undersides of my breasts, along the curve of my hips, to my toes, across my back. My skin feels alive, my body feels... invigorated. And I'm turned on.

S and I have few opportunities to see one another this week, and on one hand I am looking forward to enjoying my independence (I used to feel like I had to get every single minute with him because there was no guarantee of another) and the other things that exist in the world.

On the other hand... I want to see him, smell him, feel his cock, hard in me (oh, I didn't write about yesterday afternoon, did I?), you get the picture.

So my compromise will be an email inviting him for a bit of slap and tickle later. I can almost promise you that the answer will be I can't, not tonight but if it isn't? Hee hee. More fun for Cookie.

decorum

2005-09-05T19:28:00.000-07:00

We don't really go out much, I realized this afternoon.

It's so easy to be sucked into the vortex of his place or mine, and I don't mind it, much. But today I needed to go see a film at the theater, have myself taken out of my space and time and given something else to fill my head.

It was wonderful, the cool and quiet, and his hand, slipping up and down my leg.

At one point his fingers dipped to the backside of my knee and I found myself trying to slide my entire body closer. A millisecond later I remembered where we were and just relaxed into the pleasure... his fingers wandered somewhere else and I could pay attention to the film again...

I just wanted to feel him, run my hands over his body wherever I pleased, touch him as I usually do. But I didn't.

I might, in different circumstances...

Simple things

2005-09-05T10:44:00.000-07:00

In this new incarnation of us (where us actually is something in and of itself), I find myself really touched by our negotiations.

We did them before, usually about sex, but even then we both hesitated. Now, we do it about things like a movie... And I'm proud of myself when I remember what I need and keep that important - it's too easy for me to wear down my boundaries and let someone else's desire rule me.

As I type my mind is wandering to different things. I imagine asking him to tie me up and use me. I imagine him asking me to bind and beat him while whispering tales of his "cuckolding" in his ear. I must rememeber, whenever I fear, that courage is what brought me here.

for me?

2005-09-05T07:42:00.000-07:00

I love these pictures... one of the many times he's dropped his pants in my kitchen in recent times, finally caught on camera...

Dark

2005-09-04T12:31:00.000-07:00

It is dark.

The roomates have gone to bed, but just.

I go off (to the bathroom?) and come back a moment later to him on the loveseat.

His hard cock is sticking out of his shorts.

I'd already taken off my panties, now I throw off my t-shirt and take off my skirt. I look at him for a moment and then straddle him. He slips into my wet pussy and it feels sooo good. We haven't been able to fuck for six days, and we are both very eager.

I ride him, looking into his eyes (although we are in the dark, we are in his front room, with it's big windows that face the street, so we are illuminated by the street lights). I let my tits bounce and he watches with pleasure.

We fuck this way for a bit and then I say, "I want you to fuck me from behind". I stand and make my way around the edge of the loveseat. He enters me and I'm so glad I suggested it, it feels amazing. I'm bent over the arm of the loveseat, and being a bit drunk, my head spins a bit, so I straighten up slightly, and then more, and I'm delighted to realize we can fuck this way when I'm standing almost entirely straight.

These moments in his front room are so hot - the idea that we could be seen from the street, or caught by the roomates is part of that. But there is something else afoot too. Something about the size of the room the variety of surfaces upon which to fondle and fuck. And now, after all these months, we've done so much here...

His latest refrain is to wax poetic about my curves, which I love. I'm self-conscious about the shape of my ass, the roundess of my belly, but he runs his hands over them with desire and his eyes over them with approval... He is such a good lover. It is so good to be with him.

He's the best, yo.

2005-09-03T07:14:00.000-07:00

OMG, I love S. He and I had a great email exchange yesterday which I have to share. It's funny, as I've gone through this and edited things out for privacy, I realize that sharing this, our real words, seems far more intimate than telling complete strangers in countries all over the world what sexual position we last employed or what pictures we took while we did it...

I got leid!

Cookie Fri, Sep 2, 2005 at 8:26 AM

It's casual "Hawaiian" Friday at the office, I've already been leid!

S Fri, Sep 2, 2005 at 8:41 AM

You so lucky! When will I get leid? Do I have to go to Hawaii?
You really shouldn't have said that because I've been horny all
morning and now it just got worse. Or better, depending on your POV.

Cookie Fri, Sep 2, 2005 at 9:00 AM

Well, I've been thinking of writing a very detailed story/fantasy about you and I together, perhaps here in the conference room at work?

S Fri, Sep 2, 2005 at 9:06 AM

That dog will hunt!
I've been daydraming about tasting Kitty. I want to lick her and suck
on your clit and make you come!

Cookie Fri, Sep 2, 2005 at 9:21 AM

Ooh baby.
That's part of my story.
Definitely.
Miss Kitty is not quite back, IRL, but she's getting better.

I can just taste and smell you, and feel the heat of your body. I love how it feels sometimes, when my skin is very sensitive and you rub your hirsute manly self against me... Soft and rough at the same time...

Oops, almost just got caught, must be more stealthy...

S Fri, Sep 2, 2005 at 9:24 AM

Yes, employ some of your Bond(age) like stealth.
I am getting hard just thinking about you now. As James Joyce said, I
want to "...fling you down under me on that softy belly of yours and
fuck you up behind, like a hog riding a sow, glorying in the very
stink and sweat that rises from your arse..." [note: these letters are really fun to read, click on the link above to check them out! -CB]

Cookie Fri, Sep 2, 2005 at 9:28 AM

I've got girl-wood for you now.

I love reading those letters, they are so filthy and full of crazy imagery.

*Hard* hard, or just at attention? Because if you are not fully hard, I suggest you imagine me there right now, dipping my hand down into your lap, unzipping your pants and pulling Benson out. I lick away the drop of precum you've kindly left for me, and look up at you with a mischevious smile.

S Fri, Sep 2, 2005 at 9:37 AM

Please! There are like 4 people behind me having a confab so I'm just
semi-turgid. I was a good boy last night - I didn't spank the monkey.

Cookie Fri, Sep 2, 2005 at 9:47 AM

Don't worry, silly, I'm well hidden under the desk. Just keep that neutral look on your face and click around with your mouse, it looks like you are working.

I put my head back down and take all of you in my mouth. Mmmm, you taste so good - my tongue is swirling around the head of your cock again and again....

S Fri, Sep 2, 2005 at 1:49 PM

Fuck, I am SOOOOOO horny right now!
I want to jackoff so badly!

Cookie Fri, Sep 2, 2005 at 2:11 PM

I don't understand! My warm, wet mouth is still encircling your cock. God, you are soooo hard, I wish I could reach into your boxers and rub your balls. Oh, I've been concentrating on sucking your cock so hard I didn't realize how wet I was...

S Fri, Sep 2, 2005 at 2:17 PM

ugh! I am about ready to go to a bathroom stall!

Cookie Fri, Sep 2, 2005 at 2:25 PM

You'd better not... I've got plans for you and Benson.

S Fri, Sep 2, 2005 at 2:38 PM

But I need to! My balls are tingly and I just feel the tension down there!

Cookie Fri, Sep 2, 2005 at 2:45 PM

No. I'm serious now.

Imagine my stern look. My lips, once soft and inviting, engaged in a serious "take no mess" puckering.

You're in for a world of trouble if you disobey me.

Your come is mine.

S Fri, Sep 2, 2005 at 2:46 PM

But that means I'll have to hold out for like 6 or 7 hours!

I really want a handjob. I'm making myself hard dreaming about it.
Lots of lube and just nice and slow and deliberate....

Cookie Fri, Sep 2, 2005 at 2:51 PM

Not necessarily. There is a possibility of timing dinner cooking and boys taking a bath that gives us 20 solid minutes alone together. I've been working it out in my head...

Hmmm, that can happen, but I need some face time with Benson first. I was thinking if it was nice outside we could sit out back. That would be a nice place to give you said handjob, after boys are in bed and all... But you'd have to be vewy qwiet....

S Fri, Sep 2, 2005 at 2:53 PM

OK, you shall have your face time. And sitting out back would work. I
could do an accurate imitation of Onan and spill my seed upon the
ground.

Cookie Fri, Sep 2, 2005 at 3:08 PM

Mmmm, I'm very excited about our evening. Really looking forward to making you come. Multiple times. I'm going to blog about our email exchange, it's too good not to share...

Ooh, I forgot to tell you, I had white, sticky stuff all over my face earlier.

S Fri, Sep 2, 2005 at 3:42 PM

Another man's cum?! Or donut glaze?

Cookie Fri, Sep 2, 2005 at 3:48 PM

Melted marshmallow. Besides begin Casual and Hawaiian Friday, it's also S'Mores Friday.

I'm all sugar-coma-y now!

S Fri, Sep 2, 2005 at 3:56 PM

Good for you! I'm hungry as well as horny.
Is there anything I need to bring tonight besides Benson?

Cookie Fri, Sep 2, 2005 at 4:11 PM

Anything you wanna put on pizza or in the spaghetti, a wax pepper if you got one. If you can think of anything for desert...

Otherwise just bring yourself...

The Pizza and Spaghetti (with homemade meatballs) were both quite tasty. Unfortunately I fell asleep before making him come! Friday nights are usually rough for me - this week was also being sick, the boys' first day of school, and very emotional due to the news emanating from New Orleans and other parts of the Gulf Coast. I woke early this morning with S next to me, my last sleepy memory of him caressing my asshole with slick, lubed fingers... Apparently I felt quite asleep, but he took matters into his own hands, and didn't begrudge my need for rest (like I said, he's the best).

He got that slow deliberate hand job this morning, and we had a nice bit of quiet morning time together before he had to leave. Lately we've spent a lot of time together in the kitchen. He'll grab me where I stand while I'm in the midst of something (this morning my hands were full of shortening as he lifted my shirt and began tweaking my nipples hard as I greased muffin tins), pulling up or down a piece of clothing, unzipping or untying my pants, reaching into my bra or panties, pulling out his cock. I love these moments, combining two of my loves, sex and food...

Ah, it has to be done soon, the posting about being a mother as well as a sexual being. The balancing of family and filth, the tightrope of single parenting and maintaining a love relationship...

Any other parents (male or female, single or partnered), please let me know what your experiences have been, comment here or blog about it yourself and let me know! It's one of the things I'd really like to "talk" to other parents about.

Apparently, not

2005-09-03T07:05:00.000-07:00

Anyone have any ideas why email updating might not be working on Blogger? I had a problem with this before, but it was resolved. I'm a mite frustrated.

Here's the entry I *tried* to post-by-email yesterday... And I never did get the story written. I did, however, end up having a fun and hot email exchange with S, which I'll post soon.

Happy Saturday!
xo
Cookie

Will this work?

I've tried email updates before and they haven't.

New Flickr friends must be patient with me, I haven't had the chance to add the most recent of you from the past couple of days, old friends be patient as well, I haven't had time to sort through the pictures I've uploaded to see what stays and what goes... I'm also hitting the 200 photo mark, which means that my old photos will sort of go into archive limbo. I haven't wanted to ask before, but if anyone is feeling generous, I'll take a gift flickr pro account! I'm flat busted and just can't justify the expense...

I've got a bit of a story/fantasy in me... hopefully I'll find some time to write it today and post it soon...

I love him

2005-09-01T18:29:00.000-07:00

I love him, my little Ass Slut.

This is what I called him last time I dom'd him. It was an odd session, first he spanked me (at my behest). Actually, he started spanking me while we got dinner together, and then, after dinner, he really took to me as I put away the dinner. I stood at the counter, scooping the remains of dessert that he'd made at my place (fresh blue-, black-, and rasp- berries with local maple syrup - heavenly) into containers, and he roughly pulled down my shorts and spanked me. Then, and I feel I may have imagined this part, he pulled out his cock and rubbed it against me, pushed it between my legs and sort of dry humped me from behind.

My pussy has been unhappy this week and was off limits, so that added to the tension. I wanted to feel him slip in me, feel his cock edge past my lips and slip none too gently inside me. But after a moment I continued with my task. I think our first real role play may come from this brief bit of play. I had a "scullery-maid and randy-master-of-the-house" fantasy brewing as I maintained a quiet dignity and didn't let him stop me from doing what I had set out before me...

So, after dinner we retired to my bedroom, and got naked. I asked for and received a very nice spanking. He said some interesting things, most of which I can't recall at the moment (or will pretend I can't for the moment, I'll never tell which it is).

Then it was his turn. "On your hands and knees", I barked at him. "I'll be back". I think I went downstairs to grab the hair brush and the mini hair clips. I came back up and immediately tried out a hair clip on his balls. I wasn't feeling confident about it, so I took it off - those will have to wait for a mellower evening.

I set to giving him a sound spanking with the hairbrush. I really can't tell how much it hurts, and sometimes I hate to hear him whimper. It's interesting the different feelings that arise while applying a punishment to your lover. Last time, you may recall, I was overwhelmed with real rage and had to stop. This time, I ended up fucking him with my finger and cursing myself for not having Kermit cleaned and locked and loaded in my harness. I wanted to fuck his ass raw.

After spanking him for a bit (not very long I'll admit, seeing his ass all vulnerable as he was on his hands and knees before me, I just wanted to be inside him), I hopped up and got some lube. I put a finger in and fingered him pretty vigorously while trying to continue with spanking him and calling him an ass slut.

In the light of day I'm a bit surprised at what filth and vitriol I can lay on him while I'm in dom mode. I like that I am getting in touch with it, but it feels out of my control sometimes - I don't always like surprises.

Vanilla Sex. I figure there will always be moments in which I wonder if S and I will ever have the Vanilla Sex of yesteryear. I suppose it was an omen of sorts when I bought him a ripple butt plug for his birthday, less than two months after we began dating. We have a very strong sexual bond, and I find myself sucumbing to the sexual urges of one or both of us when I would have resisted them in the past (not in our past, but mine). I rarely don't want to have some sort of sexual contact with him.

We still do have vanilla sex, I guess. I mean, real Vanilla (the bean, the flavouring) is heady and rich and sexy and intoxicating, so vanilla doesn't have to be dull or unsatisfying. But most of our interactions are peppered with a bit of power or pain play these days...

Mmmm. On a night like this one, where I am so craving his touch on my skin, it's difficult to write about him without feeling a pang of something. Today, it's wanting to have his cock in my mouth. To taste him and know he is going to come for me, all over my face (he's been talking about this lately so it will come to pass soon), in my mouth, on my tits. I want to make him moan and wish I would never stop doing that. Yes, oh, God and whispering, between moans and gasps and calls to heaven I love you Cookie...

I will leave you with this, a tiny bit from his blog about our Sunday Morning romp:

I threw her down on the bed and removed her pants and panties. I kissed her gorgeous belly and worked my way down to her bush. I smelled her cunt and gently kissed her mound before taking my tongue and dragging it from her hip up her side. She moaned as it neared her breast. I started to slide her shirt up her arms but left it so that her arms were above her head and the shirt covered her eyes. I pressed my lips to hers and sucked. Then they made their way to her neck and I bit it not-so gently. Soon her tits were hanging out of her bra and I suckled at them until her big, chocolate nipples were hard. She writhed and moaned and I circled them with my tongue. I straightened up on my knees and moved forward with my cock throbbing, with some pre-come dribbling out and put it up to her lips. She took to it like a moth to the flame, her lips encircling me and taking me in. I hastily grabbed her camera and began fucking her mouth. Wonderful photos of her tits carelessly hanging out and her lovely lips around my cock, her eyes hidden by a black tank top.

the non post

2005-08-30T13:17:00.000-07:00

I can't really post right now, but I want to say "Hey! I'm thinking about you, Internet Denizens!"

S has been blogging about our sex life like a fiend. I wonder sometimes what people think of the things he writes.

For my part I'm usually surprised and pleased about how he describes our interactions. He has begun to use the most tender of language to describe the dirtiest things.

And speaking of dirty things, I seem to have found a connection between my mouth and the wellspring of filth that lives in my mind. I've begun talking dirty. Really dirty.
It's a side effect of the dom'ing we're doing to each other. I plan to post on what I'm saying specifically at a later date. Real non-sexy life has been quite demanding as of late, just busy...

Tonight we're getting together, he's cooking and bringing over a great DVD and I'm, well, I'm just showing up! That's the best kind of dinner date I can think of. And we are contemplating an evening together without any orgasms! For us that is almost unheard of - I think we've slept together without sexual contact twice... We just can't keep our hands off of each other (or sometimes, ourselves) when we get together.

Loads of new pictures are on the way, some featuring S...

Well, that was almost a real post! More later. For now, check out the blogroll to the right, and peruse the archives.
xo
Cookie

pics

2005-08-28T13:45:00.000-07:00

Flickr is where the best of my pics live. Add me as a contact, I'll add you, things will be rosy...

for him - IV

2005-08-28T10:07:00.000-07:00

#4 I want you to masturbate. Imagine you're somewhere and you're
wearing a Mister Softee. And you meet [Her] there...Write about your
fantasy.

[Note, this was inspired by Hiromi wearing her Mr. Softee (as they call it at our local sex shop). I've looked at them before and now I'm thinking, "gee, I need one of these!"]

This is my fantasy about wearing Mr. Softee and seeing her. Mmmm, I decide to wear it when we go [to the big city] but I don't tell you. I wear a skirt - you can't see it underneath, even when I sit down and I try to press it against the material it's still hidden; but if you put your hand down on my crotch hard enough you can feel it.

It feels good, the straps of the harness against my legs and my hips and the weight of the cock and balls on my mons -so good. We go to a bar, I've never been there before. We fill the jukebox and sit down, the four of us, drinking a pitcher of beer. After a while, I get up to go to the bathroom. She follows. We go to the bathroom and I'm laughing in my stall because it's hard to piss wearing the harness and cock.

We come out and I'm just tipsy enough to lean toward her and say, "Guess what I'm wearing?" And she's a little tipsy too, I can see her eyes are shiny, and she's looking at my mouth while I'm talking, remembering kissing me I think. She says,"what is it?" We're both done washing our hands now, and I move closer to her and pull her still-wet hand to my crotch and say quietly, "feel it.". She touches it lightly but I know she can't tell what it is. "No, press against it. I'm Packing, " I say, and feel a wide grin spreading across my face. She laughs and licks her lips just a little bit, involuntarily. "Do you want to see it?" I say, and she nods. I lead her into the largest stall in the bathroom and quickly lock the door.

She puts her hands in the back pocket of her tight jeans and looks at me expectantly. I unzip my skirt and pull it down. I'm not wearing any underwear, just the harness and the cock. "Ooh," she gasps. Her hand reaches out without even asking and strokes it. "Oh, so soft, so silky".

"Yeah", I say, "I know, It's really nice to wear. I just wish it got hard."

"It doesn't get hard?" She asks, knowing the answer. "No, it just stays soft, but it's fun to play with." I reach out with one hand and stroke it gently. I lift it up and hold it in my hand, an offering. She looks at it and then at me. "Can I suck it?" I'm so turned-on by that. I mean, I'm already getting wet just standing there having her watch me stroke this cock. But knowing that my pussy's right under it, available and ready, while her face hovers inches above?

"Really?" I say.

"Yeah", she says. She's got this look in her eye, and I'm NOT about to deny that look.

"Okay" I say, almost shyly.

"Here," and pulls me close, she sits on the edge of the toilet tank. She stuffs that cock hungrily in her mouth, and just the sound of her slurping. And then I feel her fingers slipping inside of me and oh god am I wet. She's got two fingers inside me, my cock in her mouth and she starts pressing her thumb against my clit.

OH GOD. I've got to bite my lip because I'm going to moan out loud.

She smiles around my cock and pulls her head back.

Looking up at me with that look still in her eye, she says, "Does that feel good?"

I nod. Her fingers slip in and out of me in rhythm, and her thumb on my clit is bringing me really close. I want to kiss her, taste her skin.

"Please", I manage to squeak out, "Let me kiss you". She smiles and raises up off the seat. Her hands is still working me, but her right now comes up and cups my ass, squeezing me. I do moan now, and the moan is swallowed up by her soft and perfect mouth on mine. I let go of my skirt, which I've been holding up around my knees, and it falls quietly to the floor. I take my right hand and snake it up the front of her t-shirt.

She's not wearing a bra, for which I am grateful. I pull up her shirt as we kiss, fill my hand with her breast and break lip contact. I've got to taste her breasts, I'm hungry for them, and I lean down and nibble and then suck on her lovely and pink nipple. As always, I'm amazed by how fragrant and soft a woman is, how almost edible she seems. I want to devour her.

Her two fingers inside me, she is as deep as she can go and is now pressing the palm of her hand on my clit. Pulling her shirt up higher, I reach for her left breast with my mouth while exploring her right with my hand. Suddenly I feel it - I'm going to come.

I move my hand to the side and whisper, "Oh, God, I'm coming", and she breathes in deep and her hand presses into me with added purpose. I stifle my moans as I come in wave after wave, feeling my pussy contract against her fingers. She laughs quietly, and we pull slowly apart, she withdrawing from my wetness, smiling. I'm leaning against the corner of the stall, trying to find my bearings.

Feeling suddenly quite shy, I force myself to make eye contact.

"Thank you." I say, quietly, breathlessly.

She looks at me, cat-who-caught-the-canary look on her face.

"My pleasure."

She puts her come-covered hand to her mouth and sucks the two fingers clean. I reach over to her and kiss her lips, tasting a trace of myself there.

We adjust our clothing (and I my cock), and the two of us emerge from the stall.

"What happened in there?" Her man asks, cocking his eyebrow as we take our seats.

I shrug apologetically, "Wardrobe Malfunction! [She] took the matter well in hand."

for him - III

2005-08-28T09:57:00.000-07:00

#3 Think about pictures of Benson that you'd like to take. Think about how you want me to take pictures of you.

Benson: In your bed, in the natural light of morning. Soft, then getting harder and harder. I want to have pictures of him in my mouth, sliding into my pussy from behind, rubbing up and down my wet waiting lips...

I'd like you to take pictures of me from behind, from the front, in lots of poses so I know which ones are most flattering... Pictures of you sliding into me, as I mention above. Pictures of me covered with bubbles in the shower/tub. Pictures in different outfits, both just everyday things and 'dress up' stuff. And pictures of me doing things, just regular non-sexy pictures, too.

for him - II

2005-08-28T09:51:00.000-07:00

#2 Do some research and find some books for us. A book on rope tying, for instance.

All selections from A Woman's Touch (link at right):
"Screw the Roses, Send Thorns" (basic BDSM)
"The Erotic Bondage Handbook" (I have this one)
The Compleat Spanker (is what it sounds like, all things spanking)
"The Ethical Slut"(rec'd to me by many)
Daily Sex" (the "vanilla" selection)

A movie, not a book, maybe to rent...
Thank You Mistress

for him - I

2005-08-27T10:32:00.000-07:00

Trying to get some of the mindblowingly delicious Indian Sweets his mother brought from "the big city", I told him "Your Will is Mine", and he said:

Here is what you must do (with a list of five things) #1:

"Pictures of your ass and your hole"

Done. Some will be posted on Flickr sooner or later, here is one "safe" one for the blog.

eye contact

2005-08-27T05:11:00.000-07:00

There are some times when S and I will be in flagrante delicto and I am almost unable to move. The feel of him inside me, the motions that he is making, render me incapable of fuller participation. I can't fully describe this kind of thing. My brain disengages and my memories are only of the intense pleasure spreading through me.

Many times (and more lately in the past 16 (!!) days) we are also sharing intense eye contact while having sex (I really wanted to write making love, but my usual preference is to say fucking - I do like that it's making love now...but still find it difficult to write).

I think S is a handsome guy, but I know he gets more handsome when we fuck. His face opens up, becomes less inscrutable. His eyes are amazing, blue this moment, green the next. I know I've exclaimed recently (just yesterday morning?)- "Your eyes are so beautiful". And since we've been together again, he is beautiful to me. What he was hiding from me has been revealed. It's amazing.

I can't wait for him to start taking pictures of me at my behest. He's asked me to take pictures of him (a future flickr set in the making?!?) and I look forward to it. There will be some erotic rope bondage in the future. I didn't take the class so I'll be learning from scratch while he brushes up on his technique.

Friday!

2005-08-26T13:20:00.000-07:00

I don't have anything planned for tonight but hanging out with the fam.

Not feeling at all well today, so I stayed home from work. Can't sleep though, even though I've got the house to myself. Decided to take a picture of my other pair of new panties, twins to the other pair I snapped last weekend... The new ones aren't quite as daring as my last batch but I had fun anyhow.

Please enjoy my Friday Panty Blogging...

I think I'll likely be quiet this weekend. Have a good one!

my turn

2005-08-26T08:39:00.000-07:00

Last night I gave S an awful spanking.

It was strange. A few minutes into it I had to stop.

I got really angry. I wanted to *really* punish him.

I imagined putting every ounce of force behind my hand and saying, after each slap,

"THAT is for ignoring my birthday"

"THAT is for not communicating with me"

"THAT is for breaking my heart"

And I had to stop. Because that is not what the game is. It's not about revenge. It could be, I suppose, but that isn't what I want. So I stopped, and I told S why.

We were listening to a CD I'd made for him, and I began to relax and readied myself to continue.

When I did I got back into the swing of it. I didn't feel like talking, so I just kept my concentration on the spanking. I used the school marm slapper we have, and then my hand. Then, "Firesuite" by The Doves came on. It's an atmospheric instrumental piece. I started timing my strikes on his now firey red ass to the song, and it was so very relaxing. When the song ended I stopped and lay over him and kissed his face, back and shoulders.

submission

2005-08-24T05:22:00.000-07:00

I was spanked so hard last night.

After about half an hour S lay along side me and said: "Look at me"

And proceeded to spank me some more, looking into my eyes.

Too much to say in the not-enough-time-allotted here.

Suffice this: when you are as guarded as I am, it's difficult to let go.
When you are as guarded as I am, the pay off is that much greater.

odd and end

2005-08-21T18:46:00.000-07:00

First, the new 'toys' I picked up in the Health and Beauty section at Target the other night.

I smacked the brush against my hand as I stood in the aisle. And couldn't stop myself from smiling. I'd like to write a story about that, the kinkster looking at toothbrushes who hears a series of tell-tell 'smacks' and peeks around the corner to see someone smiling to themselves as they they test hair brushes against their own hand... If anyone else has the inspiration, write that for me. I'm notoriously lazy when it comes to writing (and most everything else, truth be told).

Anna just wrote about the use of hair clips on her partner and it got me even more in the mood to try them out on S. The best part about the hairbrush is that it's small and fits in my purse (I got it for that very reason), so I can bring it out whenever I like...

A while ago Liverpool Anon asked "Spit or Swallow?". Short answer? Swallow. I've noticed an unpleasant (but brief) side effect of swallowing, though: heartburn. Anyone else notice this?

I'm distracted and sleepy. More to write about but now is not the time.

I promised myself I wouldn't, but I'm waiting to hear from S - he promised to call if it wasn't too late when he got in and I just want to call his place and see if he's arrived yet. I want to see him right now. Which won't happen. But knowing me, I'll sleep with one eye open hoping he'll email, and I'll have my phone by the bed too. Which means that I will get no calls or email... that's how it works.

Now off to bed. Sweet Dreams.
xoxo
Cookie

***Ooooh, guess who just called? Cookie's a happy girl now...***

It's getting closer...

2005-08-21T08:37:00.000-07:00

Ohhhhh, I can't *wait* to see S again. Now that we'll be seeing each other soon (30 hours), I've started to allow myself to miss him. It's his hands on me that I'm letting slip into my subconcisousness, the feeling of the rough pads of his fingers delicately tracing my curves. As much as I always did, I crave the smell and feel of him pressed against me, his copious and curly chest hair tickling me, the pheremones oozing off of him, making me woozy with desire.

I want him to touch me, to be in me. To surround me with his body and hold me tight. The past two nights I've slept nude, on my stomach, splayed out in bed and waiting for his arm to flop over me and pull me to him. I've fallen asleep to that fantasy two nights in a row...

Flickr friends might already know I've put up a whole new series of pictures. I'd make a set but I don't have a pro account, and I've used my three up. If you aren't one of my contacts, add me and I'll add you back (I'm on flickr as Cookiebush). I'm a bit behind in that respect, but I'll catch up soon. Promise!

Also check out the pictures from my contacts. A pretty randy bunch.

I haven't forgotten that I'd promised to post pictures of the things I'd picked up for S at Target, but it has to wait. Life calls.

go to sleep, cookie

2005-08-20T20:39:00.000-07:00

Self doubt creeps in when I'm very sleepy.
Apropos of nothing, I just started thinking: But am I *really* sexy?

The answer is "sometimes", and it's time to go to bed.

New panties and tee.

2005-08-20T10:34:00.000-07:00

D.I.Y.

2005-08-20T08:39:00.000-07:00

Soon after I posted here this morning, I checked my email.
S had granted permission for me to touch Kitty, but only if I took pictures and/or video. I sent him sincere thanks and went back to getting ready for the day (I'd promised pancakes this morning).

As I was cleaning up the breakfast dishes, I got another text from S. One word.

Kermit.

Kermit is our green non-representational dildo.

I smiled, shivered a bit, and went to work.

Took a shower, shaved and scrubbed.

Slathered on my new cocoa butter lotion (the great old standby, Palmer's. give it a try, it smells amazing).

Told the household I needed 15 minutes alone.

Grabbed the creamy white lube S favours (Liquid Silk by bodywise, also rec'd), my little butt plug Petunia, and headed for the bedroom...

Oh. My. God.

I can't believe how much fun I just had.

Uploading the pics now! Busy day ahead, but I'll post more later...

Insolence Allowance

2005-08-20T04:55:00.000-07:00

S is out of town (it will be 5 days and 12 hours that we will have been apart when I finally see him again), and he's been a bit of a Dom while he's been away.

First, he disallowed any sexual contact from me when he was gone: 'with others, yourself or toys'. I didn't take this seriously on the first night (after all I was catching up on my reading around here) and dismissed his edict not once, not twice, but three times. And then made the mistake of telling him about it (I'm too honest for my own good sometimes). He sent me a text message that said I'd be punished upon his return. He signed it "Master" and I emailed him back something about how Cookie calls no Man Master, but I was rethinking it.

Since then I haven't had any sexual contact with anyone, save a conversation with The Quiet Type, who I've identified in earlier posts as my internet friend/crush. But we both thought that didn't count. It was only talking about sex, not cybering or anything. We discussed kink. I took some fun pictures, but only a few (I'll have a go at it again another time). These new panties are the cat's meow!

Last night while at dinner with my family I got another text, something about my insolence. I took pictures of myself at home, looking worried, looking demure, looking down over my shoulder and lastly sticking out my tongue taunting, with the following text:

Pic 1
Me? Insolent? Uh-oh.

Pic 2
You're not going to *hurt* me, are you?

Pic 3
My poor bottom!

Pic 4
You'll have to catch me first, nyah-nyah!

S replied that he'd send instructions later. "In the meantime, send me your dress size"

To which I replied:

Generally I'm a size 12, which is either a medium or large dependent on sizing of garment.
Bust is 34 C (on the larger side of C)
Waist around 31
Hips are almost 37
Neck is 12.5
Wrist : 6.25
Ankle measures up at 9.25
Inseam is 33 (ooh, that's long)

Depending on the material, you may have to leave some allowance for insolence.

I miss him, but not in the bad way. Just a familiar tug and a warm feeling right in the center of me, knowing I'll see him soon.

Inspired

2005-08-18T16:41:00.000-07:00

Rearview and I go back, back to before I started sexblogging, actually. But I'm a bad friend and I've neglected to link him, and neglected for three long days the amazing story he began, based on a fantasy I mentioned here...

It's hot, go read (click the post title to go straight there).

I'm trying to be disciplined tonight and stay away from teh internets, but it's hard!
Went shopping at Target tonight and picked up some toys for pain play with S (he likes his pain, alright). I'll post about the delights of dirty-but-no-one-knows-it shopping and post pictures of our new toys before the weekend is out.

I'm also trying to think of ideas for another phone post...

no one but you

2005-08-18T04:24:00.000-07:00

S is a great writer and he sent me a post about our time together on Wednesday night.

I loved reading it from his perspective and at the end he did a little stream of consciousness thing and it got me thinking.

He wrote about wanting to show me that I didn't need to fuck another man (about which he clarified in email): I was afraid of your reaction to that last bit...If you don't want to fuck another man, that's fine but I don't want you to think that I the idea makes me mad or anything.

That entry was...was...non-canonical. It was meant to capture a moment and not be
the definitive statement."

But to read it was so good for me. I need to feel that he wants me for himself, exclusively. I feel that way about him, but as I wrote back: "Oh, I totally *do* want to, but in a way that is celebratory and about sharing our bodies for pleasure, it's about the sex, not about needing something besides you. I love the idea that you want me to want only you, need only you, and I want you to feel the same, whether or not it's technically 'true' all of the time."

S and I need a long time of just us, I think, before we play around with others. We've got a great foundation started, but we need more time to become a couple first.
I'm excited about it. All of it.

into the night...

2005-08-16T20:03:00.000-07:00

Just had the best conversation with my #1 internet crush.

Waiting for S to come up from the shower.

Life is good...

Must Come Clean

2005-08-16T17:58:00.000-07:00

I hope you enjoy my first Audio Post! It's one from the archives, called "Must Come Clean".

xoxo Cookie

My ideas for the evening.

2005-08-16T16:08:00.000-07:00

After tonight we won't see each other for 6 days or so. We both want to have a good send off before he leaves town. I told him I had some things on my mind for this evening, and he asked me just what I was thinking...

Well...
First off, you should slap on the adjustable leather cock ring (I'm assuming you still have it, if not use one of the silicone ones) when you get home. Just wear it around while you can, wash and pack.

I'm torn, but if we play our cards right we can do a bit of everything:

* Part of me would like to lie in my bed (more privacy, assuming your roomies are home) and make deliberate, slow love with you. Have you lie down on top of me and slide in and just be there like that, breathing each other in, maybe talking about what we want to do to one another. Slow strokes and deep breaths. Soaking you up with my eyes.

* Part of me would like to pull out Kermit and give you a sound rogering. In fact, this is a big part of me. I want to see you under me, waiting to be taken and begging for more of me in you. I could even be persuaded to describe in detail things I'd like to see you do. This is a very tempting option.

* Part of me would like to be held down (firmly but lovingly) and taken from behind with a bit of force. I've written about this fantasy on my blog. I'll send you the entry upon request. I'd like pictures taken of me like this as well.

* Part of me would like to be very oral, perhaps a bit of a mutual tongue-bath, seventy-minus-one...

In any case I'd like to taste and smell and feel as much of you as I can before having so long apart. And as for 5 days without any sexual contact, I don't know that I could make it that long, even facing severe punishment. I'm still trying to figure out what to call you when you Dom me. Maybe I should call you J...or T?

Perhaps a more fitting punishment would be to carry around a vibrator and be forced to masturbate during work, my family gatherings, etc. That's awfully naughty, isn't it? It's possible for you to email text messages to my cell phone, so you could tell me when I had to do it and give me a time frame. Or make me do it over the phone with you... Just thinking aloud here.

The bigger challenge for me tonight is to keep myself from coming before I see you. I'm aching right now.

He sent me a draft of a really hot blog post about our recent adventures - and as I read it I realized what I most wanted was to be worshiped and fucked by him, and after I'd been satisfied, only then would I know what I wanted to do *to* him. Does that make sense? Now I've got to go and do my non-sexy things so I'm prepared for the rest of this evening...

Need

2005-08-15T21:14:00.000-07:00

Tonight S needed something, but he didn't know what it was. I tried to help him find it, and I think we got close.

Although I felt we were chasing his fantasy, afterward I felt oddly exposed and vulnerable.

This is the most amazing time in my life, hands down. So exciting, so much uncharted territory.

you and me / he and I

2005-08-15T16:27:00.000-07:00

It's quiet here, although the day moves around us.

In our space, the several square feet we share in this bed, it is almost silent.
We breathe together, in...out. Our eyes roam each other and hands want to feel clothes and the skin beneath.

You lean in to me, inches from my neck, sniff deeply, and let a most delicious sound escape your lips.

"Mmmmmmmm,"which starts off as a comment on something tasty and ends as a deep and sexy growl. I start to melt and the familiar thrum of desire stirs in me from loin to chest.

Your want is an amazing aphrodisiac (and mine rising up to meet it), and I wonder how I could ever resist it.

But I do... for now.

S is on his way over soon. All I want to do is melt into him and feel his warmth and magical touch on me, but dinner is yet to be made, and child must be fed and put to bed... I have much confidence that we will grow into this new, real incarnation of us, but I don't forsee it being a completely smooth ride.

What tension is there, for the both of us. Tension of children and roles we play. He doesn't want to be a daddy and my children have father(s) of their own. But if he is really present in my life we have a new set of relationships to negotiate. His with them, they with him, me with him seeing me as a mother, an even more imperfect creature than I was as woman alone. Already I am just moving forward without worry, because there isn't anything I can do otherwise. I want everything to be as I imagine it can be. I know other people who have made this work and been happy too. I am who I am in part because I am a mother... I worry too much, I know.

Oh, I hear him at the door. More later.

a minute

2005-08-14T09:10:00.000-07:00

I've got only a minute, so I just came to say: A, you are awesome, and I definitely want to spend time with you...I'm calling you later today!

And thanks to all who've left nice comments. This is one of those times when I'm just too far into the happiness to censor myself, and I might regret these oh-so-in-love posts, but I'm not caring at the moment. I just feel fantastic.

There are lots more filthy stories (already, after just a day!), and some interesting relationship/sex things to tell as well.

And quick, a small survey. Besides open handed spankings what is your favourite tool to administer some 'punishment' to a loved one? My hand hurts before I've done the job properly.

Love will make it mo betta

2005-08-13T09:25:00.000-07:00

S said, "can I call you baby and honey now?" He wants to be mushy and affectionate, whispering "I Love You" in my ear as he passes by me in the kitchen.

This morning we had some hot non-penetrative sex as my house guest and my six year old watched a movie downstairs. I kneeled at his shoulders and placed a pillow under his head. He lifted up my skirt (and tucked my tampon string back, how hot :P) and licked and sucked on my clit while he stroked himself. My kid called up as we were playing, and I called back down to him with an answer. There was a beat and I thought "does this ruin the mood?" No more than a phone ringing in the background, it seemed, and we found our way and I came so hard and oh, just for him. He wanted me to watch him come, so he stroked himself and I watched, licking the lovely salty precum from the tip of his cock when he asked. When he was getting close I bent over him and let the head of his cock slip over my tongue. When he came I closed my mouth around him and drank as much as I could hold...

He doesn't want to play with others now, and I'm sad about that but happy to be in this space with the one I've loved for so long. My best friend here in town is very unhappy with the situation, but she and I will talk soon and I'll have to find some way to show her that this is different. It sounds hollow to my ears, but my gut is sure, and there was never that kind of sureness before, always a hollow center.
There seems to be some kind of direct line running from my chest (which is full and warm feeling, has been all day) to my clit (which is, funnily enough also feeling full and warm). I love him, love him, love him, and my body knows this and acts accordingly.

This is far and away the most intense thing I have experienced, aside from the birth of my sons. It seems over the top to me at moments, but it's *real*, not infatuation. I know him far too well for that. I'm mad about him, he's mad about me, and I'm a blithering idiot, so I'll stop.

I'm looking forward to so many new adventures, so many new pictures. So much fun.

repetition

2005-08-12T04:49:00.000-07:00

"I love you"
"I love you"
"I love you"
"I love you"
"I love you"
"I love you"
"I love you"
"I love you"
"I love you"

At first I didn't believe it.

Now I do.

So many of the things I never said were said. So many of the things he never said were said.

This is going where I'd always hoped, but never thought it would.

(No, I didn't go home alone.)

preparations

2005-08-11T16:43:00.000-07:00

I'm going out, nothing big, but S will be there.
Don't expect to get him alone though, nor will I get to take him home (which is really what I want, truth be told).

I prepared myself delicately, but not *too*. The "I'm naturally beautiful" thing. Just a bit of eyeshadow, really. Funny thing is, I feel GORGEOUS. Sexy. Desirable.

The fact that I'll take myself home, alone, can't diminish that fact.

It's nice, and reminded me of something figleaf suggested...taking myself out, seducing myself, and then coming back to tell you all about it...

Hmmmm.

I just feel nice, warmed by my glass of big house red, and ready for a few hours of relaxation...

truth

2005-08-11T12:53:00.000-07:00

Seeing S again was...confusing...amazing...frightening.

We have a profound connection that alternately delights and disturbs me, and I think he feels the same way. The thing is, I have no idea, really, because we've yet to talk about our hearts and minds. Sexually, we have experienced trust and adventure like I'd never experienced before. Almost everything I've asked for I've gotten from him, in that realm.

The rest? Well, it's hard for me to write about that and feel like I've done it justice. So, I'll ignore it for now. That ALWAYS works, right? Seriously, he and I have plans to walk and talk again this weekend. He says he's got a lot to talk with me about. I can feel *excitement* in his words, so it should be enlightening.

Why am I apprehensive? That question is about 1/3 rhetorical.

Is it because "the truth hurts"? Because I'm so afraid of rejection? Because I'm afraid of being cruel? Because I've been hurt by him so badly before? Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes.

Open hearted, open minded, blinded by love. That's me.

Celebrate!

2005-08-11T10:22:00.000-07:00

I just read that August is Anal Sex Month!

Since Indecent Blogging is back up (hooray!), I can grab old stuff I haven't archived yet.

I'd planned this entry for a while, then I read figleaf's blog this morning and had to come back and post it...

Here is my (rather long) account of the afternoon S and I finally played with my strap on.

January 17

Firstly, I never did finish the story of what we did on MLK.

We had planned to spend some time together, and by our email exchange

When I get there, we'll eat lunch. Then we are going
to take a shower and you are going to wash me. Lay out
a change of clothes on your bed. Nothing too sexy or
revealing: a long skirt, panties, and and a big, warm
sweater. Also, make sure the blindfold is ready for
use.

Do you understand your master's orders? Failure to comply
will result in punishment.

I had expected that he would Dom me, but good.

I was excited and nervous and ran around like a demon when I got home, trying to have things nice for his arrival. I acted very formal with him (part of my naughty girl trying to make good thing), which caused him to treat me very delicately, which I was surprised to love, so I kept it up. He brought me Indian food for lunch, and we ate at my dining room table. He scooted out chairs close together so we could cuddle a bit while we ate (which is funny to write, it sounds ridiculous to me to cuddle at the table - we are at that honeymoon stage of wanting to be close all of the time).

Afterward we went up to my bedroom to pick out the clothes and straighten up. He helped me pick out the clothes (which were not as cute as what I'd picked out, but I figured he had his reasons and he was D to my s...), and went back downstairs to the bathroom.

We showered, I washed him very well, head to toe. He only had me rinse off (it is strange how much I enjoy having him be in charge - at least strange for me), then we went upstairs. Now I was quite nervous - I really couldn't tell where this was going, and he'd been talking about all of these spanking sites he'd been perusing.

When we got up to my room he put the blindfold on me and then went to his bag - he dressed me in strange clothing, having "changed his mind" (really part of the subterfuge) and when I was dressed he led me to the hall with very specific instructions to wait for him to call me in and only at that time could I take off the blindfold. I stood in the hallway outside my room, listening to his prepatory sounds, feeling as though I knew what might be happening but still not getting it. As I waited I explored the clothing with my hands. It was all a couple of sizes to big, and all mens clothing. Okay, he dressed me in his clothes... (see where this is going yet?)

He called me in and popped off the blind fold and walked in to him dressed in the clothes we had picked out earlier! Had I known they were for him I would have picked out something with a bit more stretch, he has at least 75 lbs on me! I looked down at myself dressed in his jeans and t-shirt (and the argyle socks he favours) and him in a sweater and skirt and laughed. It was so fun being dressed as each other. But the *real* surprise was on the bed. A nice (non representational) mint green dildo for the harness he had given me the day before!

I was, by this time, realizing that this afternoon was going to be quite different then the one I had expected. I have to admit to a little bit of disappointment, but I was so amazed at his tricky planning, at his enthusiasm. I realized later in the afternoon that I wanted to be Dom'd because I was feeling so vulnerable, but what we did instead was very nourishing.

Just remembering how I felt at this point in the day:
Now REALLY nervous. I'd fantasized about wearing a strap-on and taking my man, but now I would be expected to perform this feat? First of all, I have to give props to the DVD I mentioned here earlier, Bend Over Boyfriend. It helped to alleviate my few concerns (and addressed many more issues), as well as showing how couples used the strap-on together... It also showed the hostess Carol Queen having an orgasm as she fucked her male partner. That was probably my favourite part, just seeing her come while she was inside of him.

So I was nervous and beset with this nagging (but ignorable) performance anxiety script in my head "what will I do, what if I hurt him, what if he doesn't like how I do it?" S said he was nervous too, a bit, and we kissed (I was still in his clothes, but seeing as they didn't fit, he had shed everything except my underwear).

I finally figured out where to start: A long time ago I got a little butt plug named Petunia (I'm telling you, A Woman's Touch - link at right - shop there!). This summer after I had gotten the idea that S would like a little anal play, I brought it over. He did like it, and I ended up buying him a larger rippled toy which he enjoyed quite a bit... Anyhow, I decided I pop that in, giving us some time to work up to strappin' on and gettin' down. I lubed it up and slipped it in easily.

He stripped me and kissed me. He loved how I looked in his t-shirt and boxers. We kissed and sucked and then we decided to put on the harness. I felt silly in it, especially with the dildo strapped in, but I knew I'd get used to it (which I did). We kissed and made out somemore, and then he wanted to be inside me, so I took off the toy and we fucked. I was getting excited/more comfortable, and soon I was packin' again and lubing up the dildo. Okay, so although I'm not of the mind that wearing a strap-on is making me a guy, I do like some aspects of it that feel very masculine. My second favourite part of Bend Over Boyfriend was one of the participants lubing up her cock. It was very representational, and she just lubed it as though it was her own. I found that aspect very pleasing as well, even though mine didn't look like a penis.

So we had played for a while and we were both ready to do the deed. Ah, logistics. S decided he'd like to be on his hands and knees and I'd enter him from behind (bend over, boyfriend).

I have to be honest and say that at this point I was feeling a bit numb, that is, I wasn't that turned on by what I was about to do. In no way was I turned off, I was just SO NERVOUS that I couldn't enjoy myself. But luckily that feeling didn't last too long.

So I'd lubed up the dildo, and S was in position, but I was having difficulting getting us to line up right. Finally we achieved the right angle and I slowly pushed in. But not really slowly enough. After a second he asked me to pull out "I wasn't ready for the sensation". But less than a minute later he was ready for me to try again. This time I slipped in really slowly. I was looking more at the dildo and harness than at S - after getting the whole thing into him, I took a deep breath and then asked how he was. He said he was okay (or rather moaned it), and I told him I was just going to be still for a minute and get used to things.

Now, it's been nearly a week and I've forgotten some of the details, but at some point I grabbed a small bullet vibe and stuck it under the harness. The way it is shaped I could keep it there by clenching my butt cheeks a bit, which served my thrusting as well. As we both got relaxed (and I began to get very turned on looking at him lying beneath me), I started thrusting pretty steadily, and then the dildo popped out of the harness! Turns out we need a slightly smaller o-ring to keep the thing in place (and excuse to stop by the sex shop later today?). We got situated in place again (with more lube!) and I turned up the vibe. S got a handful of lube for himself and began to stroke himself. I was really enjoying the sensations of being "on top" in a doggie style situation, as well as the increased vibration. I ended up with one hand on his ass and the other on the vibe. Stroking Slowly and deeply and pressing the vibe against my clit with the rhythm of my stroking. When the orgasm hit me, it was one of the most intense I've had in a long time. The sound I made was in and of itself out of this world. I think part of what made it so hot was that as I got close I began to imagine "this is what it feels like when he is about to come in me", and that idea was so hot, it made me crazy.

One thing about sharing kinks or predilictions with lovers is that sometimes they do things just to please you, and sometimes the two of you share the pleasure of the kink. In this case S and I fed off of each other's interest, but we both really wanted to do this together. I think that is part of what makes our sex life so good, it lifts both of us up, neither one of us does things we don't want to...

Now I feel badly, because I realize I don't remember exactly what happened next. Oh, I know. After I came I pulled out (I did feel like a man right then wink.gif ) . We changed position to save his knees, and he was on his back with me on top of him. That position was really great for me because I could look at his face and touch him while we fucked. At some point he wanted to be in me, so I un harnessed and we started to switch position when he began to "sart" (when it happens to me we call them Varts, but we quickly dubbed them Sarts after "Santorum", which is the mixture of lube and fecal matter that results from anal sex, and is named after Supreme Court Justice Rick Santorum. If none of that makes any sense google Santorum and Savage Love). We laughed like crazy and as he laughed it kept happening. It was one of those interludes we have that makes me love him.

When the hilarity had died down, I stroked him hard and we switched position, me on the bottom. He felt so good in me, and he was so turned on that he had a wonderful orgasm. We ended up lying in bed for at least an hour, dozing and talking. It was just an amazing afternoon...

::sigh::

That was pretty amazing.

A story from the archives

2005-08-10T04:15:00.000-07:00

From late April of this year:

Last November I made a [vain] attempt at writing a novel, during National Novel Writing Month (nanowrimo.org).

I've been going back and reading it, and it's fun, if not cringe-inducing, to see what I came up with. I've not edited it since late November...

This is in the voice of the male protagonist, N. He and the female protagonist, L, have just met in real life the day before(it's now about 2 in the morning, they met the morning before) after months of being cyber friends then lovers.

I rolled her onto her back and we both laughed. I lifted her under the arms until she was sitting propped up against the padded headboard. We tussled, I gently held her hands above her head with one hand, and with the other slowly unbuttoned her sweater. I hoped she thought my deliberation a sexy ploy as opposed to a lack of manual dexterity, which was far closer to the truth.

After our earlier lovemaking I was eager to touch and smell her again. I was amazed at how easily I was aroused, having just been with her a few hours before. I was already hard and could feel my cock straining against the buttons of my boxers. The flannel pants I'd put on were well tented in front. Under her sweater she wore only a thin silky tee shirt. Her heavy breasts pushed deliciously against the material, and her dark nipples were very hard and prominent against the creamy material. I was suddenly light-headed and hungry to taste them. I pushed back her sweater and lifted up the tee shirt. It was just snug enough that lifting and releasing the shirt made them bounce tantalizingly, and when I bent down to kiss the valley in between them I was hit with the scent of her skin. She was indescribable and I couldn't get enough. I turned my head and took a nipple between my lips, barely running the tip of my tongue against it, then releasing it and circling around the crinkled aureola in wider and wider pattern. She was very still but I felt her heart beating furiously under me. Her voice also betrayed her, she whimpered slightly as I made my circles.

I can't believe I use the phrase "lovemaking", because I prefer to say fucking myself. But N is an arty and sensitive character, and there's nothing wrong with lovemaking...

burning

2005-08-09T21:06:00.000-07:00

I've had this fantasy in my head for a couple of weeks. I'm not sure how to explain it, exactly...

On my elbows and knees, I'm bent down, head on the bed, ass in the air.

You are behind me, hands on my hips. Then you take your right hand off of my hip as you tease my cunt with your cock. You slip in an inch, pull out, in two inches, pull out, in three... you get the picture. I'm protesting, with sounds of disapproval but no words, each time you pull out. You slip in deeply and at the same time slide your hand up my spine and hold the nape of my neck, gently, but firmly. You apply some pressure as well, so if I tried to raise my head up, I couldn't. This is where I want to be, held under you, with you being firm but gentle and in charge of the situation.

My mind is silent, my body burning with sensation.

This is a fantasy about trust, about understanding.
About not having to ask for what I need, about being able to let go.

Let it Be

2005-08-08T21:01:00.000-07:00

I think perhaps the key to this, then, is to just stop trying to figure things out.

How can it be that I am so much in love with one person, but open to getting to know others? Since I 'discovered' it's existence, I've been sort of fascinated by polyamory. But in a sort of disgusted way, and "eww, this is bad, smell it" kind of thing. It seemed like overkill to me. Or maybe I was just jealous?

Lately, though, I'm starting to *get* it.

I used to say I needed six boyfriends, and that may be true...

It's still intellectual, but it's interesting how my mind has opened to the idea of multiple connections.

It's been cool seeing other people's pics on Flickr! Thanks to everyone who has added me as a contact. I don't have many new pictures, but I know there are some old favourites I have yet to post on my photostream.

And now it's definitely time for bed... I have a strong feeling I'm going to dream hard tonight. I wonder who I'll dream of?

The mind boggles

2005-08-07T20:36:00.000-07:00

I've got lots on my mind...
Can't sleep, can't stop thinking about men.
On the upside, things could be worse.

Struggling

2005-08-07T13:00:00.000-07:00

We stood for what felt like an hour, in my dark living room, just holding each other.
Arms tight then loose, hands roaming then still. The first kisses were mine across his cheek with a few days beard rough and comforting and the feeling of my soft mouth on his cheek was like a - - - revelation. The first kiss on the mouth was him holding my face in his hands and kissing me, and I sighed, audibly, mournfully, as if I'd just been kissed in a fairy tale and with the kiss came my destiny.

Pressed together, our bodies fit as they always did, curve meeting curve, hard cock grazing cunt through clothing. We pressed closer and closer together, just breathing and smelling each other. We made little sounds, declarations of? Love, vulnerability, contentment. We told each other we were scared, that the other was special to us, that we didn't know what would happen. I made some admissions that were frightening to *me*, things I'd dare not voice before.

After this hour or so, I realized that I wasn't feeling very much. I told him I was feeling myself pulling back, protecting myself. I was surprised that it was happening, but somehow pleased. After all of this time I've learned to s l o w d o w n, watch out for myself.

We didn't talk about the future. I didn't mention A (I suspect he knows from reading here, in fact, I'm positive he knows) or my desire to continue seeing other people or anything. We didn't even make plans. This morning when he said it was so nice waking up with me, I told him (only half jokingly) that even though it was my house, I wanted to get up and run away, but he'd parked me in. It was almost too much. That alone should be an indication of how much my mindset has changed. Before there was no such thing as "too much" with S.

As he left we kissed, said goodbye, and then he paused at the door. He held his hand out to me and pulled me close for another kiss and a hug that was speaking volumes for both of us. He walked down the steps and I did something women do in the movies. I closed the door and leaned my forehead against it, and sighed.

"What is this?" I asked myself, in a whisper. I still don't have an answer.

Closer

2005-08-07T11:20:00.000-07:00

Closer
Originally uploaded by Cookiebush.

S and I in late April 05. This is one of the most intimate photos I have. To me it captures the moment where the space between yourself and your lover has disappeared.

When chaste is hot

2005-08-06T08:40:00.000-07:00

One of the best things about Blogging is making new friends. One of those friends I've met through Cookiebush told me something that made me smile. It's private, something for only he and I to share, but it gave me the idea that I should give voice to one of my 'secrets'.

Being graphic (I want your [part] on my [part], your tongue in my [part], your hand on my [part]) is fun for me when I know someone really well. The other part of attraction (the scent of sun on your skin when you come in from the garden, the feeling of your whiskers playing gently across my neck as you lean in to kiss me) is what makes getting to know people so wonderful. And even before those well thought out ideas, the simplest things can be tingle inducing...

I have an admission to make, and a story to tell.
I'm developing a crush on a friend of mine. He and I have never met, but we've 'talked' through email and IM. Just last night we talked on the phone for the first time, which I found very enjoyable.

I'm sure we'll meet someday (hopefully my crush will be resolved, or...well read on).

I imagine that we'll meet and hug - A friendly hug that despite my best intentions causes a thrill to run through me. We pull apart and I just - do it. Lean in and kiss you, very softly (could still be interpreted, I think, as a friendly kiss, just overly intimate for a first meeting). I know I've caught you by surprise because you just look at me, without saying anything. Suddenly I want to run, but instead I take a breath, put an arm's length between us and say, "Well. Hello, finally." I want to kiss you again, this time with more determination, but I don't dare.

We talk for a while about things, how the drive was, are you hungry, etc. When we do stop to breathe I'm just so happy to finally have you here that I lean over and hug you with one arm. I like the way it feels, pulled close to you, our legs parallel and hips grazing, so I leave my arm around you. "Glad you're here." I say, simply. I'm about to let go when your arm snakes around me and we stand there for a beat.

At the end of the beat, I blurt out: "I'm sorry" and then I kiss you for real. I figure if I think about it anymore I won't do it, and even if it horrifies you or ruins our visit I'll be kicking myself afterward. I'm not great at avoiding things like this.

It's not long, nor all that passionate, but there is no doubt as to my meaning, and when we pull away, our arms falling from each other (oh, I really want to run now), you say "it's been a long time." I just nod, feeling like a jerk, wanting to kiss you again.

So, not much happens in this little fantasy, but it's just giving me shivers to write. I doubt it will ever happen, but so much fun to think about. And just between us, it feels really naughty. ;)

Feeling good

2005-08-05T00:08:00.000-07:00

I'd already decided I didn't want to have sex. Right now "the act" isn't important. Not that I wouldn't like it, but I don't *need* it. In fact, I need to feel in control of myself, not succumbing to the urge.

But after half the movie and a bottle of wine, our closeness and conversation made sure something would happen. I like being physical - feeling my blood rush in my head, my heart beating hard, the relaxation that floods my body when it's over.

His cock was as lovely as I'd half-remembered, and felt like it was meant to be in my mouth. It can be fleeting, but I adore the feeling of teamwork and accomplishment after someone has a really nice orgasm. It was nice to be together, very nice.

Creature of a different feather, A. Earlier I'd confided that I was still very much in love with S, knowing that we were not to be together hasn't dimmed that at all. In fact, it's fair to say that the longer we are apart the more I feel that we should be together. I've decided "it is as it is". Whenever I'm ready to move on, I'll move on, between now and then I won't worry.

This is my fantasy of S: "We could be together, polyamorous, kinky. I know it could work!" It's nice to have a real live person to bounce that off of. I wonder what S would think of my proclamation? We will probably never know. It's nice, even if only for an hour, to imagine the world as we'd like it...

Stockings

2005-08-04T15:56:00.000-07:00

By popular request...

click to see the set *(must be a contact, add me as contact)

I should be cleaning my house right now, but instead I'm getting turned on by looking through all of my pictures...

Lying low for a couple more days, be back soon enough.

breathe

2005-08-02T20:43:00.000-07:00

Trying to just s l o w d o w n and take a deep breath. I can go a week, a month, a [choke] year without sex, if need be. I actually thought about trying a week celibate, no masturbation or anything. Just to clear my head. Decided to quit smoking (I only was smoking one or two a day, but I feel better already), see if that might help.

It's hot and late and I have tons to do before I go to bed (like take a lukewarm shower and do some off-line writing). I just had a funny thought - sex is like breakfast cereal, a part of a well balanced life.

It's not nothing, it's not the only thing.

Good living feeds off of sex, and good sex feeds off of living.
When my head and heart are pointed in a better direction, the rest will come.
When I am ready, there will be no stopping me. I imagine my meditation mantra:
"Let there be sex on earth, and let it begin with me".

What to do?

2005-08-02T10:31:00.000-07:00

I'm in a very unsexy place, filled with insomnia and regret. It's not fun.

I put out an appeal to some very smart people and got this gem for starters:

"every giant and all powerful thing we have to deal with is often (always) our own devising."

So I've got one jumping off point.

And it's true, so true.

How about you? What do you do when you are stuck for inspiration or find yourself in a rut?

More sex later, I promise. I just need to get my head on straight first.

Cause for Pause

2005-07-31T16:55:00.000-07:00

Walking to dinner tonight, a man passing by smiled and then said, "I love your profile on [dating site]!" I was kind of flabbergasted and just said "thanks!?" He turned and called over his shoulder: "And you have a really great smile!".

I was bemused and embarrassed and a bit pleased as well.

Makes me think I'm glad to have not shown my face on this blog, because I immediately imagine someone saying "Hey, you've got a terrific pussy!" as I walk down the street.

Not that it would be the *worst* thing ever called out to me.

My companion thought it was pretty funny - I got curious and it made me think I should go back and read the profile in question. I have to admit I'm sitting here with a pleased look on my face. Okay, it was nice to be recognized, nice to be praised...

flickr

2005-07-31T09:51:00.000-07:00

Right after this post I start my day in earnest...

I've uploaded a bunch of pictures onto my flickr account. Come visit, email or add me as a contact and I'll add you back.

Sex and Sadness

2005-07-31T08:36:00.000-07:00

I think it's fair to say that everyone has experienced the curative powers of sex. Whether a solo jill or jack off, a night of passion with a stranger or seven minutes of heaven with the one you love, sex can cure what ails you.

There was news recently of a study showing that a part of a woman's brain shuts down very briefly during orgasm. Apparently the part affected is related to fear and anxiety (the better to conceive, I'd guess, if a woman is relaxed and prone after intercourse). It would explain my habit of masturbating for relaxation, as well as the sexual frenzy I experienced last summer.

As things stand now, I still count every day since I last had sex (7), and think about the next time I will, and I think about sex and intimacy all the time. If only I could catch up with my desire for sex, perhaps I could relax a bit. But I just want it more and more and more. The wanting begets wanting, as does the doing.

So, I'm sad this morning, but having just exercised my onanistic muscles, I'm a bit more relaxed than I was a few minutes ago. What I wouldn't give, however, for a touch that was not of my own hand. To breath together, move together. To exchange energy, power. Take and be taken. Roll and tussle and lie still and relax.

To connect.

Between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea

2005-07-29T18:00:00.000-07:00

Damn, this has been quite a week. I'm a bit overwhelmed this evening, so many things are so crazy... Right now I'm trying to figure out what's for dinner, and being pleasantly distracted by IM with a friend. While going through my chat histories I found this gem, one of the only times I've ever had sex online. It was really great because it basically described real sex we'd already had. I find that incredibly hot. The narrative gets mixed up at one point, but it is still great. I have to admit I'm a little bummed I can't just go and get me summa dis whenever I like, but that's the breaks, right? Better to have loved and lost, yadda yadda. I always hate reading other people's chats. Doesn't stop me from posting my own of course...

S: How was your shower?
Cookie: I am now as clean as I can be, dirty girl. It was hot and I washed my bottom very well...
S: No matter how much you wash, you'll always be dirty
very, very dirty
Cookie: Yes. It is sadly true
Cookie: I was fantasizing that you would come over. the house would be dark
You would walk in without a word pull off your coat.
Approach me, still silent.
Pull down my underwear.
S: to see your dirtiness
Cookie: Fall to your knees, spread my legs and begin to lick me.
Raise up again (and still we both haven't said a word, nor kissed, nor even smiled at one another) Step out of your boots.
S: mmm....
Cookie: Step out of your pants
Your cock is straining against your boxers
I'm facing against you, leaning against couch.
You pull me close and I can feel you - hot skin, and the cold sticking to your hands and face...
S: mmmm....cock straining
S: I wasn't intending to masaturbate tonight but I may have to
Cookie: You put your hand between my legs and feel how wet I am and then push me down on the couch (so I am on my knees)
S: And then...?
Cookie: And then you take your cock and push it in me.
I make the first sound of the evening, half grunt, half moan.
I stick out my ass toward you, You grab my hips and pull me close
Cookie: A hiss of air escapes from between your lips as we find our rhythm and begin to fuck in earnest.
S: You're coming over here when, exactly?
Cookie: If only I could
S: I'd definitely be grabbing some hips
Cookie: I wouldnt wait for you to close the door behind me.
I'd drop down on my knees and pull your cock out, stuffing it hungrily in my mouth.
S: I want you to suck my cock
Cookie: I'm sucking it, stroking your balls
S: grab and lead me upstairs
Cookie: I pull you upstairs by your cock, you whimper as I walk a step faster than you'd anticipate.
Cookie: It's dark in here. I leave the light off and push you onto the bed
You are sitting up, and I drop to my knees again.
S: Please suck my cock
Cookie: I push your thighs apart
Pull you to the edge of the bed.
[you want me to suck it?] I ask you
S: please suck me
Cookie: I lower my head down to your cock (still hard quivering now, crystalline drop of pre-cum on the head)
S: *moan*
Cookie: I lick the bead of pre cum from your head
S: ooh
Cookie: I lick around the edge of your head [you are so hard] I can't stand teasing you anymore I slide my hot mouth down over your cock You taste so good.
S: *whimper*
Cookie: I can feel myself getting wet
S: mmmmm
Cookie: I want to fuck you and the more I think about your cock pumping into my wet pussy, the harder I suck you.
S: I wanna be inside you
S: I want you to fuck me
Cookie: God I want you to fuck me. I'm sucking harder and I feel your balls start to contract. I pull my head up. [lie down]
S: No, I push you onto my bed
Cookie: [are you gonna fuck me now?]
S: And rip your pants off
with that werewolf look, I remove your panties too
Cookie: I'm so wet
I'm a little afraid
S: I get on top of you
Cookie: *moan*
S: my hard cock pressing against your wetness
Cookie: [please fuck me]
S: I slide my cock into you and start fucking you
S: your pussy is so wet, so warm
Cookie: My eyes are rollng back into my head It feels so good
S: I fuck you harder, faster
Cookie: you are so hard It sounds so good
S: I can hear how wet you are
Cookie: I want to feel you come in me
S: I start licking your nipple, making it hard
Cookie: *moaning* [oh god]
S: I can feel my come
Cookie: I'm twisting under you, bucking against you Oh, I want to feel you come in me I want to hear you
S: I moan because I can feel my come
Cookie: [yes]
S: I start fucking you harder - I want to come inside you
so badly
Cookie: I'm holding my breath
I need your come
S: mmmm I close my eyes because I am close...
Cookie: [oh, god, yes, please come for me] I'm fucking you harder,
willing you to come
I'm watching your face
S: I can't hold it any longer
Cookie: *whimper*
S: my mouth is open and I moan loudly
Cookie: [yes, yes, oh god] I moan with you- I 'm watching your face twist in pleasure can feel your come inside me
S: I shoot a big load inside you
it keeps flowing
Cookie: I can feel your cock twitching in me as you come
S: I want it all inside you
Cookie: You are still moaning
S: I've given it all to you
all of my come
Cookie: I feel you begin to relax against me a bit
You are moaning, gently now, in my ear
S: sweat dripping on you
Cookie: Yes, you are covered in sweat Hair wet, skin gleaming
S: I bend down and kiss you as I pant for breath
Cookie: Your kiss is salty from the sweat pouring down your face
S: Finally I collapse next to you and put my arm around you
Cookie: I melt into you, finding my spot under your arm
S: you're coming over when again, exactly?

Slowing Down

2005-07-29T00:44:00.000-07:00

A (the one for who there is no nickname) wrote a bit of erotica in his journal and inspired me to write something as well... I'm trying to figure out what to write about next. I'd like to start writing out my fantasies more often and in more detail...

I've thought about it all morning. Standing behind you, my right hand pinching your left nipple. Your quite-perfect ass pressed against my mons, my breasts against your shoulder blades.

And my left-hand, instead of holding my drink or my cigarette (or whatever it was doing), sliding into your pants pocket, teasing you hard with slow but deliberate strokes.

Driving myself crazy at my desk, seeing you turn around and pull me close, pressing against me and taking my face in your hands for a hungry kiss, while I run my hands up under your shirt. I stop myself, in this daydream, from going any further. In fantasy as in life, I'm far too impatient, trying to force the denoument instead of savouring the slow moments.

So instead of slowly unzipping you, I shall...

Close my eyes and *feel* my way around you. I move my body back so we are no longer touching, but still close. My fingers graze your belt, slipping a finger under it but going no further, despite the involuntary twitch of your belly as I do (things like that, an involuntary twitch, a sharp intake of breath when skin hits skin, are huge turn ons for me).

I move my hands upward again, this time palms just barely touching your skin, slipping past your hard nipples and moving around to your back, brushing my fingers downward now, stopping again just short of your waist band.

After a beat you realize that I've stopped and sigh in protest, pulling my hips to yours and I can feel how hard you are, and my resolve to go slow wavers a bit.

But honestly, there is a lot to be said for anticipation.

From The Archives

2005-07-28T19:42:00.000-07:00

I've written something new but want to post something old for now. This is from May. I wanted to post it because I've started reading Carol Queen's Exhibitionism for the Shy. It's a great book, and it's giving me a lot to think about (I've got more exhibitionist leanings than I realized). One of the things I do for my own pleasure is go out sans panties. As I say in the excerpt below "no matter how much I do it, it still seems naughty somehow". Nice when little things can give you pleasure.

We went to our local farmer's market this morning, before which I came very close to ripping off his clothes and having my way with him. He was a bit more clear headed and promised that we would have plenty of time for monkey love later on.

I wore my over the knee socks and a skirt, with no panties. It's so much fun walking around knowing that I'm not wearing any underwear. No matter how much I do it, it still seems naughty somehow.

I'm glad we waited because it was a wonderful morning, relaxed and mellow. We went around and looked at everything once and then went around again and bought. I got some tasty things. I had a sweet tooth today, so I got honey, some spicy raspberry/jalepeno jam, and a sweet bread. S picked up some pistachio baklava, and when we got back to his place we shared a piece. Some honey dripped from the baklava onto his goatee. I licked it off of him. We both enjoyed that.

After the baklava we sat in his livingroom so he could smoke. I lay with my legs across his lap and stretched out like a cat. I'd just done this online quiz this morning, and it asked "if you could be any animal for 5 minutes, which would it be?" I chose cat, and thought, "at least I'd get a great 5 minute nap". It got me thinking about how a cat will unselfconciously take as much pleasure from a person as they can get - rubbing and bucking and generally being very focused on what feels good. As he sat and smoked, I stretched and moved and when he lifted my skirt and began rubbing his thumb over my clit, I moved and sighed and just enjoyed the feeling of relaxing and being touched. When his cigarette was done he suggested we go upstairs and I agreed, taking them two at a time. We got to his room and he was dropping is pants in a minute. I stood there and looked at him, expectantly, I think.

S took my body and turned me then gently pushed me down so I was sitting on the bed. He slowly took off one of my socks, then the other. He picked my legs up under the knee and moved them onto the bed, then turned me over so he could unzip and slide my skirt up. He lay down and pulled me up so we were laying face to face.

Both of us were breathing harder and we began kissing. I could feel his cock up against me. He was rock hard.

"You're so hard", I said (this is beginning to sound predictable coming out of my mouth, but I always appreciate it when he brings me a raging hardon to play with). He immediately rid himself of his boxers, and I took him in my hand. We kissed and held each other and I went down on him for a few minutes. I loved the sounds he made - it seemed that if he let himself go he could have come right then. I moved up and we kissed again.

I told him I wanted him on top of me, so I could feel his weight against me. He obliged, and his cock slipped between my thighs. I got the urge to bite him, scratch my nails down his back. I told him I wanted to treat him rough, and he was happy to hear it. I pulled his hair while we kissed and ran my fingernails down his back (he had scratches! I don't know that I've ever left so many marks on him).

[running out of time, must skip some things...really good things, I came hard...]

I spanked him again, this time I kept a hand on his balls and/or his asshole while I did it. That boy seems to be taking to spankng. I just wish I had something to spank him with, as my hand started to hurt after a bit.

We fucked, he felt fantastic, I wanna come again just thinking about it.
::goes to get a toy::

Yes, it was a lovely morning.

(Over?) Exposure

2005-07-27T17:58:00.000-07:00

I've been a bit indiscreet today, accidentally posted on a regular blog with this ID. I dumped the comment, but I'm guessing it was emailed to the person anyway. I wanted to warn her: If you don't want to hear about sex, DON'T CLICK, but I think she's cool. I hope. It'd be great to have my "real" life and my "sex" life converge a bit more. A lot more, even.

ANYhow...

I'm trying to figure out what kind of exposure I want here, in pictures. The thing that was so great about Indecent Blogging (down again, sadly) is that it was an insular community, very supportive, and not all that accessible (that is, no "next blog" button that could send anyone to see it). As it stands I'm not comfortable with a lot of nudity on the page. Some people (like Lola and Figleaf ) use Flickr to put up pictures and then add people as friends. I'll probably go that route at some point.

As for the writing bits. I'm feeling a little stuck. If I don't post every day or every other day I feel badly about it. I've got to get into the quality over quantity mindset. Yes.

A mentor is what I crave in almost every aspect of my life: someone to help me find my way into my fantasy career, someone to help me learn to garden, someone to coax me out of my shell so that I can perform more often. With sex I crave no less - I also want to be shown the way into things I've thought about but haven't yet experienced.

On Saturday night I ventured out to the local leather club with my newly made friend, and had a great time, mostly watching people. I was in a vouyeristic mood, and I drank in the outfits and the atmosphere.

At one point he (still haven't thought of a proper nickname for him) was standing in front of me and I was pressed up against the back of him, rubbing his nipple with one hand (wish I could remember what the other hand was doing). While I was doing that I was watching two of my favourite local bloggers hold court at the pool table. Watching them was very enjoyable. I almost broke away to introduce myself, but I realized I was having far too much fun looking. I didn't want to break the spell just yet.

Earlier in the night a man I'd been emailing but had never met walked up and introduced himself. There I was, flanked on either side by a good-looking man, watching the sexiest game of pool I've ever witnessed and struck by the notion that things could get very interesting.

They did that evening and they will continue to, I'm sure.